Senile or Perfectly Normal?

My maternal grandma died at a ripe old age of almost 95 (to be exact, two months before she turned). She had no significant health problems, just the fact that she suffered from dimentia. My paternal grandfather died in 1989, as I have no recollection as to what he died from . . . it almost seems surreal. I went to his funeral, several years since I have last seen him . . . saw my paternal grandma, as she glared at me for not coming sooner, apparently, as he was dying, he asked for me. I had no idea . . . I was abandoned by my mother to them at the young age of two. I continued to live with them full time until I was seven years old. When my mother came back for me, she took me to live with her, but did not get along with my father's parents . . . so she would encourage me to visit them, but then again, would say she wouldn't stay, she would drop me off and come back for me. In the back of my mind, I am thinking she is going to leave me again. Why can't she stay with me? So I never went back to visit them after my mother came back for me. I never got the chance to know my father. He was what we would call a "play boy", having many mistresses...and I find out it that I was conceived as a last attempt to save their so-called marriage. Yes, my life - is real time Soap Opera. Sometimes I do and continue to refer to my life as the Neverending Saga. Maybe it is my imagination that BAD things happen to me and when I am down, I always get kicked even further down. What have I done to deserve all of this? My husband believes in kharma, as for me? I am not sure what I believe it...if it is kharma, then I must've been a cruel person.

Teen Drama, real "trauma" [maybe]

I'm not sure what "teen drama" should be considered...is it real, life threatening, enough to get a restraining order? Apparently, these are the tunes of today's "teen drama" life. Or how I managed to find that out with my new teen. Well she was a tween since...is it 10 or 11? But anyhow, I used to brush it under the carpet, when she would tell me stories, that would seem almost unbelievable -- then it was apparent, one day, that I needed to pay more attention and treat it as a real threat. I guess in the limited time that I have been away from school, I tend to forget how mean some children may tend to be and where does the boundary stop? Apparently, it doesn't, until a restraining order or police or even more involved? Strangely enough you would never think of police and a young teen? I guess not in the suburbs, but it could be anywhere. Some of the stories were so flagrant, that I would tell her, no would ever believe that story, are you sure it's true? She said, these are rumors fluctuating around school. We live in a little suburb -- outside of Denver, Colorado. The town consists of five square miles and most of us, pretty much stay in the little town . . . until we move or something, so if you go to the store or anywhere, be prepared to see someone you know. We have our own fire station, police department and the usuals that come with a town. I guess that's the decieving part . . . the usuals with a town is typically minor, but with the currency of time, I guess you should be prepared for anything.

Apparently, since I'm not that old, maybe naive, probably, I remember the kids as just playing random jokes on people, experimenting with makeup and playing games. Now the seriousness has entered the next frontier . . . today's life, with school shootings becoming something more common. What is wrong with today's society that we have to take out our aggression in a place that was referred to as a safe place? Nothing is considered safe, not even home. Today, I got an email from the school district of where my daughter attends. Apparently, this morning, a cafeteria worker saw (possibly) two people, dressed in camoflauge and wearing ski masks. The school was immediately put on lockdown, while the police did a thorough search of the school. As parents, we were notified, that if your child was en route to school, that you are to immediately pick up your child at a different location, where they were relocating - while the school is being searched. School is anticipated to return to it's normal schedule by tomorrow morning. This is something usually more prevelant in big cities. Now we are faced with it in smaller communties more than ever. There is no safe place anymore. While at work, I found myself reading articles about children and your teens, new technology out there to locate them, find out what they are talking about, if they are drinking, how fast is someone driving, it almost seems unreal. We must have lost all trust between both parents and kids in general.

I worry if our parenting techniques are good enough. What is good enough? In today's society, you want to prepare your child, but also protect them, or simply keep them safe. How do I know when I over stepped my boundaries as a parent or if I am not involved enough? I guess we don't really know, but learn from other's experiences, our own experiences and the search (if you choose to go on).

I guess I think about that evening of my daughter's party, where I got to talk to a couple of girls, where the enlightened me about the "cutting" and use of pot at school. This is middle school, right? I guess some things you just think can't happen to you, but then you are probably the group it affects the most. I didn't even know what "cutting" was until I watched a show on cable . . . about teenage kids who cut themselves to feel good. I just can't imagine someone feeling good about hurting themselves, watching their blood, flowing away from them. Killing themselves is more like another "drama" event. It is either taken very seriously or very lightly, some use it as attention grabbers, others truly mean it.

The kids have drama everyday, usually about something really insignificant...like someone looked at me weird, and I think she hates me, or something related along those lines. If there is a day without drama, it's a good day. The kids bring it out or proportion and seriously, who really cares? Over cautious parents? Other kids?

Today is World Lupus Day. My support group will have a release of balloons at 7 tonight. I am unsure if I will be able to make it today. I haven't been able to sleep very well because (frankly) my daughter has been sleeping with us [right inbetween me and my husband], which didn't seem unusual at first, but then became more frequent. I guess my husband and I didn't really notice, until a few days after that it affected both of us, we just were customarily used to sleeping in the same bed -- as if it is a security blanket and anything that messes with your personal security blanket, well isn't taken lightly. I had an awfully long bloody nose today. I texted my husband that I wasn't feeling all to fluffy today. I also took an extra five milligrams of Prednisone because I really felt worn.

I've survived (I think?)

Since it has been a couple of weeks since I have logged on and blogged, I am hoping that I am recouperating well. The party turned out great! Everyone showed up...altho, I do remember it being much easier to control them - and there was only 8 including my daughter! Our rooms connected and we had both doors open at all times.

Wow - I underestimated the food. I got them 4 large pizzas and 1 medium one - gone! The cake [posted above] was amazing, made by one of my co-workers - gone! We had brownies - gone! Cookies, chips, snacks, soda - gone! They didn't sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. I didn't take my sleeping medications because I wanted to be somewhat coherent, just in case.

It was so strange, but I got up at 4ish and talked to two girls (I barely remember), they were on a sofa bed just by the door talking about death, faith & God. It was strange that they were talking about and even more strangely, there was a bible there to refer to. I guess one of the girls had brought it because she had to leave early the next morning for her bible classes. It happened to be a Good News Bible, which is exactly the bible I used growing up. Later, I found out that one of the girls that I was speaking to that early morning - her cousin just committed suicide. I guess her mom told her that if we do commit suicide that we still go to heaven and when God returns he is to destroy earth. I said you have been misconceived. I [think] we looked it up in Revelation. Then the girls went on to tell me things that I have just been totally unaware of...how girls in school cut themselves [and say it feels good] and covers it with bracelets and stuff like that. I had no idea that they did this?? Also, another conversation I had was the others smoked pot. I guess - we had other intentions when I was middle school and it had more to do with the opposite sex then trying to hurt yourself...I guess it seems like the need for attention. I don't totally recall the whole conversation, but was reminded by my daugther. She told me that her friends said they talked to me early in the morning. If I could remember more, I would like to talk to their parents, but would I ruin their confidence in me?

Another issue . . . some boy at school has been basically [almost] harassing my daughter, especially this last week, till the point where she cried. I had to call the school and deal with the principal and the assistant principal. Apparently, he called her a lesbian and started making fun of her. She had chosen to advocate for gay and/or lesbian rights. She had already talked to me and my husband for the last few months and we said that you could believe in whatever you feel strongly and/or passionate about, it's okay, we live in a free country, right? So she was telling her friend at school about her mission to support gay rights, this other little boy was just listening in and starting calling her a lesbian...then in the hallways the same thing, they got pulled aside and talked to by the math teacher and both were asked to think of a punishment they BOTH deserved for talking to each other this way. My daughter felt it unfair because she had not said anything to him. He claimed that she called him "gay", which she said she did not. Of course, I talk to my husband about it...and I said, you should just ignore him. She said she has been ignoring him...this apparently was not the first time this boy has harassed her. She told me a few weeks ago...they were playing a game, she choose to be the color "black". Well, he thought it was funny that she wanted to be "black" and started all these rumors at school that "Sam wants to be black". She ignored that...but I guess this really put her over the edge. Most of my friends...just push it off as the boy liking her...but it really upsetted her that she can't believe in something without judgment. We deal with this a lot because I have Lupus...people don't understand that you don't have to look sick to feel sick and she has experienced this first hand...which btw makes her upset too.