I finally got a partial Schedule A done and just filed for an Extension! The stress! I have been under lots of stress. This year, wasn't quite what I thought . . . with everything being so . . . BAD. I have been sick ALOT. I hate it. I have found myself falling into the deep hole of depression. Hearing the diagnoses roll out...more drugs...more lidocaine...who knew they came in so many forms??? Still very VERY uncomfortable. I came across some papers that I had written out for I guess my "preparation" of whenever that time comes for me. I thought I would share...or maybe I could get some feedback as to some other ones that are out there.
Here is one that I really like: Not getting what you want can make you feel sick, but a wish that comes ture is a life giving tree. Prov. 13:12
The two others are Psalm 89:48 and Psalm 116:15, 16
To my "special" and very close friends, I chose: A friend is always loyal, and a brother/sister is born to help in time of need. Proverbs 17:17
But at this particular moment I feel that Psalm 25:16 - sounds as how I have been feeling.
Monday
My Neurologist Appointment Today
I had to see Dr. Ginsberg today, after my appointment with him, they managed to get me in to see Dr. Charney (Rheumatologist) tomorrow. I have a Cytoxan treatment on Friday and probably have to see Dr. Klein (Neprhologist), but I really don't want to. BTW, I did find out that I was taking the wrong dose of Keppra. I was supposed to take 2000 mg a day, not 1000 mg. I also got Lidocaine patches. Oh and I also have the damn cream. How much lidocaine does a person need again?
Did I tell you how much I hate Access-a-Ride? It was awful. There were days where I would be on the bus for more than 2 hours. It was exhausting...I had to take more medications and was more uncomfortable than I had ever been. Other than that, it would be the total opposite, I would be at work in less than 20 minutes...feeling sick and nausea all the time. My left foot was hurting, so I had to wrap it and use a damn cane. Then it moved up to my inner leg and I had to wrap that up and use a cane. Now my hip hurts. What the hell?
On Friday, I totally lost my mind. I had it with work, they were upset that I was 15 minutes late, even though I was picked up at 6:15 a.m. and live less than 19 miles away from work. The workplace didn't want to hear the excuse, but then they complained because I used the business line right away (to make a complaint to RTD), so they categorize it as "personal" use. Oh brother!! Yea, it was dumb. I left early, had my husband come and pick me up and cried all the way home. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I haven't been feeling too good, but then again the fact that I just want to be "normal" is killing me!
Did I tell you how much I hate Access-a-Ride? It was awful. There were days where I would be on the bus for more than 2 hours. It was exhausting...I had to take more medications and was more uncomfortable than I had ever been. Other than that, it would be the total opposite, I would be at work in less than 20 minutes...feeling sick and nausea all the time. My left foot was hurting, so I had to wrap it and use a damn cane. Then it moved up to my inner leg and I had to wrap that up and use a cane. Now my hip hurts. What the hell?
On Friday, I totally lost my mind. I had it with work, they were upset that I was 15 minutes late, even though I was picked up at 6:15 a.m. and live less than 19 miles away from work. The workplace didn't want to hear the excuse, but then they complained because I used the business line right away (to make a complaint to RTD), so they categorize it as "personal" use. Oh brother!! Yea, it was dumb. I left early, had my husband come and pick me up and cried all the way home. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I haven't been feeling too good, but then again the fact that I just want to be "normal" is killing me!
My daughter is turning the B-I-G 13!!
Where did the years go? She will officially become a "teenager" on the 25th of April. With all of my health issues right now, we have cancelled our trip to Hawaii. Now, we are in the process of planning her big BASH! Well there were a couple of options that did come up, but we are trying to stay within a budget (which rarely happens) but since I have been seeing a doctor every other day...well we are on limited funds.
She acts like a little girl (sometimes), but other times, she is as mature as an adult?? Who'd thought? My little girl...all grown up. Her father would beg to differ. As much as he would love to keep her a small child, I don't think it's hit him yet that she is growing up. Funny, huh?
She acts like a little girl (sometimes), but other times, she is as mature as an adult?? Who'd thought? My little girl...all grown up. Her father would beg to differ. As much as he would love to keep her a small child, I don't think it's hit him yet that she is growing up. Funny, huh?
Wednesday
Emotions
I wrote an email to my daughter one day at work because she was being so difficult when I talked to her on the phone. I encouraged her to go out and hang out with her friends and she refused. I think she was scared that my husband would be upset. But I had already talked to him about it. She spends all of her free time taking care of me, that I think she needs a break, needs to remember she is still a child or adolescent & have fun. I was practically forcing her...to the point, well we aLL got mad. She wrote me back, telling me that she was sorry for making me sick. She thinks that she made me sick?? I told her that God made me that way. Yes, it is stressed induced - but in no way has she caused my condition. It was so sad, she was sad. I guess I didn't know quite what to tell her after. But I just reassured her that it was not because of her that I was sick. I wanted to cry and just cringe. Why would my twelve year old daughter think such a thing? I love her to death and maybe overcompensated for her well being. It seems like one day she was the child, now I am the child.
All About Me
That was the title of the email letter that I had sent to all of my family and friends. I received so many responses, but from my friends. My family has failed to even acknowledge such a letter even went out. Only my daughter, husband & uncle have responded. I am half Filipino and half Chinese, so I have a HUGE family. For them to totally ignore the fact that I poured myself out, is disappointing. My friends were sincere, considerate & encouraging. Some of the responses were so sad...one had said that I had broke their hearts in so many ways. I never thought that would be feedback that I would be receiving, but hey, what do I know anyway?
I just got back from seeing a surgeon in Boulder. We've (he) decided to not go with the surgery considering the condition of my body right now. I have been given [yet another] medication to try for three to six weeks to see if it helps.
I finally talked to my best friend in Saipan yesterday. She was worried about her sister in California because they had to do an emergency c-section and accidently cut her bladder! OMG! But that's a big mistake. The baby was okay, but her sister continued to be in surgery most of the afternoon. I hope she comes out okay.
Today, we are having our house appraised [cross our fingers] to see if we can allievate some financial strain. I know it is a bad time, especially because the market is way down. But we need to do something. Plus, my doctor's appointments are taking up most of my work days...which [hopefully] isn't a problem. We really need this to happen because everything has been going BAD for us, we are just hoping for good thoughts our way.
I just got back from seeing a surgeon in Boulder. We've (he) decided to not go with the surgery considering the condition of my body right now. I have been given [yet another] medication to try for three to six weeks to see if it helps.
I finally talked to my best friend in Saipan yesterday. She was worried about her sister in California because they had to do an emergency c-section and accidently cut her bladder! OMG! But that's a big mistake. The baby was okay, but her sister continued to be in surgery most of the afternoon. I hope she comes out okay.
Today, we are having our house appraised [cross our fingers] to see if we can allievate some financial strain. I know it is a bad time, especially because the market is way down. But we need to do something. Plus, my doctor's appointments are taking up most of my work days...which [hopefully] isn't a problem. We really need this to happen because everything has been going BAD for us, we are just hoping for good thoughts our way.
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