Tuesday, March 20 - Dr. Ginsberg

I had an appointment at lunch to meet with Dr. Ginsberg, as he would call it regarding my "spells". Well, basically I was told that my EEG was abnormal, and I totally lose it. I start crying. I just couldn't take it anymore. He said we are going to start you on Keppra, first at just 500 mg, then we should be up to 1000 mg. Then he said we needed to change the Cymbalta from 60 mg to 90 mg. I was upset. He called my rheumatologist while I sat there and sobbed, they just talked as if I wasn't even there. I finally say, I don't want to take the medications. He looked at me and said what? I repeated myself...no more. Then he looked at me again, and said are you trying to tell me that you are doing yourself in? I said no. And he said that if you are, I am going to admit you right now. I am tired. I want peace and rest with no more pain and suffering. I have always been able to take the bad news...but this time...I felt myself slipping away...I just wanted to die. I literally said it too. As a Christian, I would never commit suicide, now I feel that is questionable. I am always so close to death, but brought back. I feel useless. I have to apply for a "special needs" bus to take me to and from places because of my seizures, I am not to drive. I hate it. I just want it all to go away. But it won't. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I ended up crying majority of the evening, taking so many drugs to make sure I just pass the hell out. Even my husband and I get into an altercation...he was like you knew it wasn't going to be easy. What the hell is he talking about? He keeps telling me it is always about me. Well I guess that's true, I can't help that I am stuck with this stupid, debilitating disease. I asked him not to sleep in our bedroom last night because I just couldn't handle anymore. I want everything to just stop right then and there.