disappointment

Today is Saturday. I wasn't feeling all too good. I stayed up late talking to my daughter and when I did finally go to bed, I had a bloody nose, that must've lasted until I fell asleep because the bag of blood was right next to the bed [lovely, huh?]. I got up and decided that I should do something today, it was beautiful out, even though I had such a bad headache...I decided why not. I went to see a lady that used to do all of my waxings, but since I don't work in Boulder anymore, I haven't really seen her since I left in October?? I called her this morning if I could come in and see her - of course, she worked me in. It was great...I have been seeing her for at least the last four years for waxing and she likes to keep up on my own "family " drama. It's like a soap opera. Some of my friends say that I should write a book, because when you think your family is strange, wait until you meet mine!

After we spent a little time with the waxing lady, we went to the Boulder Farmer's Market, which is another fav of mine. My daughter went with. She was quite annoying today, complaining about my bag, then I told her to move away, then complaining she was hungry, so I offered her money while I perused through the market, she declined. So when I finally had a chance to go through the whole market . . . we decided to get something to eat. We get up to the counter of the Tamale place [which I know she loves], so the lady asks for our order and I look to my daughter to say what she wants. She looked bewildered?? She's like I don't know! Umm...she wanted us to stand in this line and she didn't know?? She finally said something with chicken. I knew she wanted a chicken tamale. The worse part of it was that she was too scared to even place her damn order. What the heck? She can't be relying on her mommy to do this for her FOREVER. She is now 13, I know she isn't a grown up, but she can certainly order what she wants for food. She wouldn't even leave my side for a drink, so I decided to let her be thirsty. I went next door to get a noodle bowl - and the family knew us. It was my daughter's friend and family. They said Hi to us and I said HI back. I told my daughter to go and talk to her...and she kept saying no, like she was embarassed. Not only embarassed to even be there, but of her heritage. I couldn't believe it. What disappointment I felt at that one moment. I was so angry, so I reprimanded her -- she cried. Yes, I might have been a little overboard, but good grief. We are ordering lunch, not planning out her whole life. It was totally ridiculous. We sat close to the car, but kind of far from the public since she didn't even want to sit with her friend. Dumb, totally neurotic. Just plain DUMB.

I can envision her future with a man controlling her every move. I told her that she shouldn't be scared to stand up for herself, but she is. I thought she was strong, but she is weak. What am I to do? I don't want her to become like her father, who is ever so dependent on me. If I wasn't here...life would stop. He wouldn't even know where to pay the gas/electric bill. It's that bad. I have to hold his hand and tell him exactly what to do for every single thing. I fill out all the paperwork for any legal documentation, health insurance, miscellaneous things for work. It is pretty sad. Even the HR lady knows better than to ask him directly and calls me at work to make sure everything is good and dandy.

Another pet peeve is that I have to constantly remind both my husband and my daughter to do their chores, whether putting away stuff or just even taking it out of the car. I'm not even supposed to be driving, but I am to get the necessities because if I waited for someone to take me, there just would never ever be any food in the house. So after I buy stuff in bulk so that it can last for a while...umm...it just stays that way, packaged, on the floor in the kitchen or family room. Until I tell them to put it away. Like when the garbage full [duh] what do you do? You take it out, but I have to tell them. Isn't this sad? What will they both do without me? I thought that I had raised my daughter to be a fighter, a strong person, but I guess I was wrong?? I guess I have to say, I am disappointed [just a little, well maybe a lot].

I guess life is full of disappointments, nothing meeting any sort of expectations...I guess this is what is in stored for my little family.