It has been a while...

Yes, it has been a while since I last posted on this...I'm not exactly sure which was is up and which way is down. My husband - of whom I have been married to for 13 years and together for much longer . . . has been the so-called "rock" of my life. He is the only constant person that has been with me the longest. As I spent most of my childhood being transferred to one home, yet to another, to another, then finally back to my mother. My husband and I married when I was very young. He is young himself. Together, we have raised a beautiful girl. I recently sent her on vacation to the west coast for ten days. She was in desperate need of a break. She has been taking care of me for almost four years straight. She would travel with me, go with me to doctors, testing, mris, etc. As for my husband, he works and brings home the money. I know he has a stressful job and it is hard manual labor. But we all have stress, dealing with everyday things, like paying bills, buying food, gas, etc. That has always been our downfall. Then, of course - I'm sick. I don't look sick, but I have so many pills that I have take everyday, sometimes I get confused myself. My husband generally puts out my pills in the morning and my daughter would take care of everything until I go to bed. Well now that she is gone...we had some issues, proved to be too much for my husband. We argued, struggled, yelled & screamed, I cried, he threatened his life, I struggle with him to get the gun [I'm not exactly sure why he has gun] but in the end, he didn't kill himself, I was hurt only a little bit, more hysterical than anything. I keep asking myself, why me? Have I gone insane? Here I am fighting for my life, dealing with being a mother, wife, working full time. Haven't I suffered enough?? Apparently not, maybe there is much more in store for me. I don't know life without my husband. I have known him, or have been married to him longer than I have even been alive. We have sought therapy in the past. I was never hurt in the past. He would usually break things, etc. But I couldn't let him shoot himself, in front of me, while my daughter is away. What would I tell her? How would I deal? I don't think I could. He got one shot out and it was either into the bed or the wall. I dunno? Today is our 13 year wedding anniversary. I know he will send me beautiful red roses as always. He cooked me dinner last night. He can be very sweet and loving, but I can imagine living a life with me can't be all that easy. Sometimes I wonder if I am bi-polar, or whatever? I have been asked numerous times if I needed to be admitted. Life...well let's say I had my fair share already & I am only 30 years old.

This was from the struggle, the first picture was taken on 7/26 and the second today, 7/30. I guess it isn't as bad as it looks. I'm okay. I'm also under heavy sedation as of 7/27. This past weekend I spent sleeping a lot. I don't think I even left the house once all weekend long.




After my cytoxan infusion on 7/13, on 7/20 I was diagnosed wtih strep - and put on antibiotics for 10 days. Then on 7/27 I had to see the doctor again and upped my doses of Keppra, Cymbalta, Xanex. I guess "hysteria" should be my name!