meltdown...

I have always been very strong willed. I always promised myself that I would never let this disease take the better side of me. But what can I really control? I have been under aggressive therapy for how long? A decade? I take all of these drugs and I am frustrated. They mask everything or only give me little relief until something else breaks down. I hate my body. Today, I said things that I would never say. I wanted to die. I have to fight everyday, to get up, to go to work, to be a mom, to be a wife, etc. I don't think that I am doing a good job. I am just so overwhelmed with all of these feelings of frustration. I feel alone. I just want to live my life out. My head wants to explode. I have taken vicoprofen, xanex, keppra. I am still sitting here trying to figure out next week. I sent my husband on errands so that I could be alone. I cried all afternoon. It did nothing for me to cry. But it was somewhat of a relief. I love my family. I know that it is so hard to understand how I feel and I take my anger out on the ones that I love the most. Why do I have to suffer? Why me?