the EXTREME heat

Today was a very HOT day. I went to church with my family with the exception of my husband. He has been working every Saturday because he is trying to make up for my earnings. My church doesn't have air conditioning & it was almost horridly hot. I think that being spiritual helps me get through my rough patches. Sometimes I get angry at God wondering where he is and why isn't he helping me?

I have been officially disqualified from unemployment. Now I am not sure what to do? I got the disability forms in the mail from the Social Security Administration. My husband wants me to apply for disability and I have a hard time accepting it. I heard it is hard to get on disability. I don't know how much work I can really do and be productive.

My family (husband & daughter) has been so wonderful to me. They have been getting my drinks and helping me around the house and also while going out. I have been able to use my wheelchair but other times I don't want to. Both of my arms, wrists & hands hurt badly. I can't lift anything more than a magazine. When I go grocery shopping it is the worse. It is very painful. I usually have to put lidoderm patches.

I do my physical therapy twice a week, in the pool, electrical stimulation and massage. Stretching seems to be the most important key to pain management. I didn't realize how much more it helps to stretch instead of taking another pain pill. I just did another DEXA scan, plus I did the modified berrium testing last week. I guess I should know some results by Monday. I have two appointments and one on Wednesday. Hopefully it turns out okay. My rheumatologist seems to say that my lupus is doing okay. But I know sometimes when I stand too long my knees hurt and turn red.

Well wish me luck in getting disability! I have an appointment in the office in August. Hopefully it won't be such a pain to get.

hmm...?

I am not sure what I am doing these days...I have been unemployed officially for almost a month. I have so many errands to run each day-to-day that we never really get to enjoy our days. Now that has to suck more than working, right? Who knows?
Nowadays - I just wander around. Hopefully I will find my way.

terminated...

Today, I was terminated from my job. I have never been fired before and could use some advice. I was given a paycheck that paid me until the end of the month. Since I have never been fired before, I was asked to sign -- something like a settlement agreement to receive one month's severance pay. I have no idea?? But if I don't sign it, I just don't get paid for an extra month. So many debts and obligations overwhelm me, much more is my medical condition. I understand that they have paid my premiums until the end of July. I was in total shock. I guess because it has never happened to me, I wasn't quite sure how to react.

who has problems, me, nah?

Of course, we all endure problems - especially day-to-day. I just find it so much harder to cope with, as I get short-tempered with some people. I try to be polite, but other times, I think I might lash out. It really isn't the person (maybe), but really - I've always gone by the saying: "treat others, as you would want to be treated."

Right now, everything is in the spur of chaos. I am trying to keep myself calm and just prioritize one-by-one. Lately, I've been coming home late. It has taken it's toll and I'm seriously tired. I didn't want to call in sick because I'm on the verge of being fired (I think?).

friends...and WORK

As I travel in time, my friends come to mind. They have been with me through everything. Besides my husband and daughter coming along. My childhood friends are still there. I can't believe how long we have been friends and how the old jokes still flow. The overwhelming feeling of seeing so many people at one time and trying to remember these people was the hardest. I guess the only enemies I have now are co-workers. Who knew it would be so hard to work with certain people? Maybe I'm just hard to deal with? Nah, everyone always has a problem because I don't look sick that I can't be sick. Why I take so much time off? Why this and that? Who cares? Apparently, they do...when you think management would take care of such things...it doesn't happen.
I am supposed to go on a job interview this afternoon. I hate starting all over, but there is only so much I can take from this job. Maybe it is really time for me to apply for disability? I just can't imagine what it will do to our dual income right now. Plus, to be alone all day, everyday, would be another story. I would probably go insane or overwork myself. I tend to do that when I am at home. Although, if I had to take care of my grandma that would be great. I am doubtful this will happen, but if I could get approved for disability and move my grandma out here, I can spend a lot of time with her before she passes away. It is only a dream.