Is it really Greed or Grieve?

I guess now we are in a pickle, I don't know who said that originally, but you generally you would hear that phrase on a cartoon or a comedy. The economy has taken a toll on everyone and it finally came around to hit us, and hit us hard. We are barely holding on and wonder how long we'll be able to last? My husband is not very optimistic because I'm on disability and I can't work... my husband believes that is what is currently happening to us, but it isn't... it's because he isn't getting much work, coming home earlier and earlier. He made a comment the other day, "since you've been on disability, it seems that we are going down..." assuming he's saying we are drowning with ship and anchor. I get Social Security payments, so isn't that my contribution? I've not worked now in a few years, I did some consulting, but other than that, nothing. I've pushed all of that out of my mind and I'm really trying to take care of me, my body. It almost seems as if it is daily, hours, minutes ... my brain is just getting useless, when I talked to my daughter about it, she said that I definitely can't produce what I used to and that it would be very difficult for me to enter the work force, and I agree. My husband on the other hand says, "If you weren't sick, you'd be working... doing what you did before." Seriously, is he just ignoring the fact of how much Lupus has already attacked my brain and I've had several injuries, which includes my head and I've definitely know that I've experienced Lupus Psychosis. I've had crazy mood swings for years now, it's only been worse with time. I've already gone through my grieving of losing my ability to work, acting psychotic at times, definitely having swing moods and now... I don't do anything anymore because I'm so ignorant or just forget altogether. I used to have such a memory that has totally left me and has been a blur for a long time now. I was thinking that I could answer phones or something, but my daughter said that I wouldn't know what to do and I never follow through with anything. How dare she? That is one thing I regret when raising my daughter is the importance of manners. She could at least take my feelings into consideration and not have said it so bluntly I wouldn't have felt to useless. My husband is totally in a dreamworld if he thinks I've got the same capacity that I used to be at when it's been almost four years since I've done any legal work. Everything changes with time, even I could relate to that...I keep wondering if he thinks that I could go back and be the same, he is in for a HUGE surprise. I think that in time that I may get back up to the way I was, but I definitely will need breaks to take naps. I get so tired these days and I could barely do two things a day, as it is, and we aren't talking rocket science... more like going to the grocery and/or bank. Having physical therapy (PT) and a doctor's appointment is an example of what two things a day means to me. Geez, a noise scared me! It was my phone vibrating so loudly that I can hear it from afar. And other times I can't even tell it's ringing? That makes my husband and daughter nuts if I don't answer, they just assume something bad has happened to me. I'm not that incompetent yet. I can still do little things here and there around the house, if I feel like it maybe I'm just plain being lazy? Ok I never thought I would say that to myself. I'd have to admit that I probably could do more, but then I get so much more exhausted, quicker too. Everything seems to be like a huge effort, Yes I know that I probably could do more exercise, but when I do things like going out it is a huge inventory for me to handle. I'll have to bring out two huge bags and with all my tanks, hoses and cannulas. I've always got to bring an extra one just in case. You never know and I've had to this happen to me more than once, so I definitely know and it is such a hardship, because if I get too tired...I could lose consciousness or have a grand mal seizure or an epileptic event. Then I would really be stuck at home.

the EXTREME heat

Today was a very HOT day. I went to church with my family with the exception of my husband. He has been working every Saturday because he is trying to make up for my earnings. My church doesn't have air conditioning & it was almost horridly hot. I think that being spiritual helps me get through my rough patches. Sometimes I get angry at God wondering where he is and why isn't he helping me?

I have been officially disqualified from unemployment. Now I am not sure what to do? I got the disability forms in the mail from the Social Security Administration. My husband wants me to apply for disability and I have a hard time accepting it. I heard it is hard to get on disability. I don't know how much work I can really do and be productive.

My family (husband & daughter) has been so wonderful to me. They have been getting my drinks and helping me around the house and also while going out. I have been able to use my wheelchair but other times I don't want to. Both of my arms, wrists & hands hurt badly. I can't lift anything more than a magazine. When I go grocery shopping it is the worse. It is very painful. I usually have to put lidoderm patches.

I do my physical therapy twice a week, in the pool, electrical stimulation and massage. Stretching seems to be the most important key to pain management. I didn't realize how much more it helps to stretch instead of taking another pain pill. I just did another DEXA scan, plus I did the modified berrium testing last week. I guess I should know some results by Monday. I have two appointments and one on Wednesday. Hopefully it turns out okay. My rheumatologist seems to say that my lupus is doing okay. But I know sometimes when I stand too long my knees hurt and turn red.

Well wish me luck in getting disability! I have an appointment in the office in August. Hopefully it won't be such a pain to get.

terminated...

Today, I was terminated from my job. I have never been fired before and could use some advice. I was given a paycheck that paid me until the end of the month. Since I have never been fired before, I was asked to sign -- something like a settlement agreement to receive one month's severance pay. I have no idea?? But if I don't sign it, I just don't get paid for an extra month. So many debts and obligations overwhelm me, much more is my medical condition. I understand that they have paid my premiums until the end of July. I was in total shock. I guess because it has never happened to me, I wasn't quite sure how to react.

friends...and WORK

As I travel in time, my friends come to mind. They have been with me through everything. Besides my husband and daughter coming along. My childhood friends are still there. I can't believe how long we have been friends and how the old jokes still flow. The overwhelming feeling of seeing so many people at one time and trying to remember these people was the hardest. I guess the only enemies I have now are co-workers. Who knew it would be so hard to work with certain people? Maybe I'm just hard to deal with? Nah, everyone always has a problem because I don't look sick that I can't be sick. Why I take so much time off? Why this and that? Who cares? Apparently, they do...when you think management would take care of such things...it doesn't happen.
I am supposed to go on a job interview this afternoon. I hate starting all over, but there is only so much I can take from this job. Maybe it is really time for me to apply for disability? I just can't imagine what it will do to our dual income right now. Plus, to be alone all day, everyday, would be another story. I would probably go insane or overwork myself. I tend to do that when I am at home. Although, if I had to take care of my grandma that would be great. I am doubtful this will happen, but if I could get approved for disability and move my grandma out here, I can spend a lot of time with her before she passes away. It is only a dream.

yay, it's FRIDAY!

Second thoughts...it is FRIDAY, yay!! My weekend plans seem a bit overwhelming, but I am sure I will get through it like I usually do.

I haven't been doing much except for avoiding work. I am just not in the mood and I have made some minimal mistakes this morning, but I am not going to point it out unless someone else notices.

Everyone else has left early for the weekend. I am stuck here until five, argh. I should be happy :) Things seem to have been better at work even though I still think the new administrator cannot compare to our old one. She doesn't seem to be computer savy at all. What to do with another person that cannot operate the machines: ERROR, operator error!!

I have a bridal shower to go to, two of them in one! Well I am not sure if we will be going, but I have had the gifts for some time now. I need to put them together ina basket or something. I was going to do a box, but you know how that goes...it just keeps going.

I have been scrapbooking at night which doesn't seem to be that helpful. I haven't gotten that far in the book and I really want to be done. I have to add some personalization to it, but I don't want to sound too bad. Sometimes when I read over something I had written, I can't believe that I am missing words, etc.

Ok, it is 4 on a Friday afternoon. What can I start, that I will be able to finish today? Umm...nothing if you really ask me!!

my fishing expedition...

I'm not sure why I could even begin calling this, "my fishing expedition" since I'm not the one fishing. It seems that there is something inherently wrong with me, what's new? I have several appointments awaiting me. Yesterday, I had someone check out my uterus and take blood, again. Now I need an ultrasound. Argh... I started to fill out some paperwork for my other "new" doctors, but so much information is like digging through the ground with no end in sight. I just burrowed myself in there. I am like their lab experiment gone wrong. If they ever find anything, I'll be sure to post it. That's how much confidence I have in my doctors.

Ooh, I almost forgot, there has been some talk about my gallbladder. Well - I guess it might be SOL now.

Yesterday, one of the older ladies made a comment to me, "age first, then beauty" as I passed her. At first, I didn't really understand and continued on my way. Then later, I took it as I must be oogly or something. So today, I dressed a little more business like and put on makeup. Whew, it has been a long time. I generally don't wear makeup unless it is for a party or something and that is still questionable. I had the hardest time trying to figure out how to apply the damn thing that I put it on and said viola!

Today has been especially quiet. Oh no, I probably shouldn't say that because all hell will break loose now.

I'm not in the mood to work just about now. I'm very weird feeling. I keep waking up at around 2 or 3 in the morning, tossing and turning. Is it a sign?? Probably. I had a dream about work. The last time I had a dream about work, it was about time for me to move on.

friends or not?

My daughter has many friends. Her friends seem to change all the time...I'm not sure why?? My friends are still the same friends I have had since my childhood. I continue to make new friends all the time. I thought I met a woman that would be life changing. The only thing that stops are friendship, dead in its tracks, is because I made a comment about things I have heard of her daughter. [I guess, I would be defensive too, but] her daughter lets others [yes] including boys, smack her ass. I guess this shouldn't be too surprising because the last I think I had heard was how she would always hug all the guys at school. We all know the boys are going through puberty right now - they are teens, what should we expect? But even the boys avoid it being pushed on them. I heard today, she was showing off her boobs. Nice, huh? She responded to my daughter by saying I could see down her shirt. My daughter was sitting on the ground. This girl was leaning down so that Sam and her friend [who happens to be a boy] see down her shirt. My daughter's friend is beautiful and definitely has assets. This is not the only thing this girl has done...but we won't go into those details. I guess I have lost that friendship, it was definitely a loss -- someone so close and awesome going through some of the same things I am. I guess that's just a part of life.

Today was a busy day at work. I have yet to get accustomed to the time change. I hate waking up in the dark. I have been waking up at odd times which has made me seriously GRUMPY. Everybody is in a wrinkle...the women are seriously butting heads big time with the laid back gals and the stressed ones. I don't know how much more intense it could get, but apparently this has happened for a long time. So I am sure when things settle down...it will be better. I had lunch with a friend today. It was nice, just to chit chat and get out of the office for a little bit.

strange...

I have had strange feelings since Monday and couldn't put my thumb on it. I wasn't sure what it could or would be. It is like my maternal instinct is trying to tell me something bad is going to happen. It isn't necessarily me either. I find out the office manager resigned yesterday. Oddly enough I don't know if that is good or bad? He has backed me up on a lot of things, but has opposed some things. Generally, always had a hard time dealing with all of us at once. I don't know how much he got paid, but whatever it was, it would not be enough to hear everyone's bickering. I guess I never thought out of all of us, he would be the first to leave. There will be a replacement as soon as he leaves so we shall see how the office reacts to the new person.
I have been having these really weird chest pains. I can't tell what the heck they are, but I wish they would go away. I have decided to make an appointment with a cardiologist, but when I looked it up online, there are so many. I have no idea if I will get a response, but I sent my rheumatologist an email asking for a referral. I don't know if he will respond via email. I have an appointment with him, but not until April. I don't know if I could wait that long before trying to make an appointment with a cardiologist. I guess it isn't that bad -- cause you'd think I would drag myself to the ER room. Maybe it's GERD or whatever, some sort of indigestion.
I got a reply to one of my emails. My immediate response, as my daughter would say, was harsh, but I felt the email replying back to me was very harsh. Who knows, it might just be an immediate reaction?? I have yet to get a response to my harsh email. My family, including I, can be so over-draumatic.