Is it really Greed or Grieve?

I guess now we are in a pickle, I don't know who said that originally, but you generally you would hear that phrase on a cartoon or a comedy. The economy has taken a toll on everyone and it finally came around to hit us, and hit us hard. We are barely holding on and wonder how long we'll be able to last? My husband is not very optimistic because I'm on disability and I can't work... my husband believes that is what is currently happening to us, but it isn't... it's because he isn't getting much work, coming home earlier and earlier. He made a comment the other day, "since you've been on disability, it seems that we are going down..." assuming he's saying we are drowning with ship and anchor. I get Social Security payments, so isn't that my contribution? I've not worked now in a few years, I did some consulting, but other than that, nothing. I've pushed all of that out of my mind and I'm really trying to take care of me, my body. It almost seems as if it is daily, hours, minutes ... my brain is just getting useless, when I talked to my daughter about it, she said that I definitely can't produce what I used to and that it would be very difficult for me to enter the work force, and I agree. My husband on the other hand says, "If you weren't sick, you'd be working... doing what you did before." Seriously, is he just ignoring the fact of how much Lupus has already attacked my brain and I've had several injuries, which includes my head and I've definitely know that I've experienced Lupus Psychosis. I've had crazy mood swings for years now, it's only been worse with time. I've already gone through my grieving of losing my ability to work, acting psychotic at times, definitely having swing moods and now... I don't do anything anymore because I'm so ignorant or just forget altogether. I used to have such a memory that has totally left me and has been a blur for a long time now. I was thinking that I could answer phones or something, but my daughter said that I wouldn't know what to do and I never follow through with anything. How dare she? That is one thing I regret when raising my daughter is the importance of manners. She could at least take my feelings into consideration and not have said it so bluntly I wouldn't have felt to useless. My husband is totally in a dreamworld if he thinks I've got the same capacity that I used to be at when it's been almost four years since I've done any legal work. Everything changes with time, even I could relate to that...I keep wondering if he thinks that I could go back and be the same, he is in for a HUGE surprise. I think that in time that I may get back up to the way I was, but I definitely will need breaks to take naps. I get so tired these days and I could barely do two things a day, as it is, and we aren't talking rocket science... more like going to the grocery and/or bank. Having physical therapy (PT) and a doctor's appointment is an example of what two things a day means to me. Geez, a noise scared me! It was my phone vibrating so loudly that I can hear it from afar. And other times I can't even tell it's ringing? That makes my husband and daughter nuts if I don't answer, they just assume something bad has happened to me. I'm not that incompetent yet. I can still do little things here and there around the house, if I feel like it maybe I'm just plain being lazy? Ok I never thought I would say that to myself. I'd have to admit that I probably could do more, but then I get so much more exhausted, quicker too. Everything seems to be like a huge effort, Yes I know that I probably could do more exercise, but when I do things like going out it is a huge inventory for me to handle. I'll have to bring out two huge bags and with all my tanks, hoses and cannulas. I've always got to bring an extra one just in case. You never know and I've had to this happen to me more than once, so I definitely know and it is such a hardship, because if I get too tired...I could lose consciousness or have a grand mal seizure or an epileptic event. Then I would really be stuck at home.

Geeze...

Geeze, I just lost my whole blog! Now I will have to try to remember all the things I said?? Hmm...

SLEEPWALKING
I can tell I was sleeping while I was typing "World Lupus Day" because I had to make minor changes to spelling and some grammar checks. I have always had a problem with sleepwalking, ever since I was a small child. My mom used to tell me stories, where I would pick up magazines and try to go out the front door. Until this day, I still do the same, except I actually sew, post blogs, pay bills, etc. I think you get the point and of course, while I am sleeping I can make some crazy mistakes. I get very emotional as well -- I talk on the phone, write letters, yes, I am starting to sound like a crazy psych patient.

LUNCH
I ran to the grocery store. Even though I sent my husband to the grocery store three times last night and he forgot to buy my kleenex for my car. I have to have the small one that fits in the middle console. Yes, I am OCD like that. I bought a few extra to keep in the trunk. I have tissues every where in my house. I use them every day. And it has to be a certain kind. Kleenex brand with lotion. I bought dinner and snacks, brought it all back to work and marinated and cut up veggies and fruit.

LACROSSE
I have to pick up today and Thursday. I am the "pick up" parent, plus the uniform parent. I hope my daughter took the sandwich to eat inbetween school and lacrosse practice or else, she will be starving and possibly might faint!! Even though I am bringing food I have doubts that she will be able to eat right away after practice - anyhow.

SHELTER
Last night, when I ran to pick up my daughter from the homeless shelter, I got dragged into serve...so we were there till pretty late. I ended up bringing food home that we served and just ate really late. By the time I got into bed and started doing stuff it was way past my bedtime.

HISTORY
I would like to know a little about my family history. I only get to know one side. I have many questions, mainly about my health, but just general ones will do. I guess you could say that my "inner" fears are holding me back. The separation or whatever it is called - caused trauma, now it always triggers the memory of being left behind. It is crazy, because it has been years and years now and I have yet to visit with my other side of the family.