finally...

Finally, I got Social Security Disability. It only took a little over two years!! This will save my family home. I have been praying so much. Also, asking prayers from all of my friends and family. At the hearing...I wasn't even sure if it was really approved because the Judge said something...I couldn't really hear, but I know the Judge asked all of us to leave the courtroom. As we left, my attorney turned to me and hugged me and said that we won!! I didn't want to get too excited until I see physical writing that I was approved. My order came today, six pages long, finally at the end - it claimed me disabled. Thank you Lord!! Now, I have to deal with the paperwork to get myself on medicaid and medicare. Which will really relieve the pressure on our finances. I don't even know what to do or say or anything. Ugh, I took a large, deep breath and let it go. It feels light...something lifted from my body, my mind, pressure has been relieved. Thank you, I will keep you posted.

just another day...

Just another Monday...isn't there a song with that phrase as a chorus? I have a full week ahead of me, also the fact that taxes are due Wednesday. I need to file for an extension, but I have yet to gather all my numbers together. Wonderful, huh? We have had some good and bad news. One of our cars was hit and will probably be "totaled" I'm not too sure if that is good news at all. But now we are down to one car. It was just a long weekend. Easter: our annual egg hunt was successful and both dogs seemed full afterwards. Our older dog was slow on the egg hunt this year, hopefully it doesn't mean his time is limited, right? We did watch Marley & Me and my daughter cried at the end. Everything was due to natural causes and it wasn't like something tragic happened. My daughter played for two teams this past weekend. She played for the freshman team and the JV team. Tuesday there are two games, but one is far away and one is at home. I'm not sure which one she will play and if she will skip her symphony practice. Everything is kind of up in the air right at this moment. My daughter is getting a used clarinet from her symphony. It is such a blessing because we have needed one for such a long time now.

situations

I had a big evening where I was helping an organization with a dinner. Last week I was able to help with a wedding and I was fine. It was very different this time. I didn't take my afternoon medication because I forgot to do so. I got home kind of late and took what I thought I missed. I couldn't find the stash of medication for the day. It was a very long evening where I felt scared and didn't want my husband to go anywhere. It had a tingling feeling about it too. I felt like I was a bit bewildered. Sunday, I didn't wake at all. Good thing my daughter knew to give me medication. She said that I didn't wake up that she propped me up and put meds in my mouth and gave me something to drink. Poor thing. She stayed with me the whole day as I wouldn't wake. One of our dogs was just going nuts and driving her nuts. She knew that was a bad sign. My husband finally came home and brought food. I guess I ate and went back to sleep. At one point, I had peanut butter in my mouth just sitting all day as I was sleeping, eww, huh? I guess I wanted to share this story because I'm ever so grateful to my daughter, who takes care of me.

Reading...

Lupus Now had an interesting article called "Close to Home: Teens talk about parents with lupus". Lupus Now has always been a great magazine for me. It is more down to earth and easy to understand. They have articles that really appeal to real life people who suffer from lupus.

Lately, I haven't been blogging for several reasons. I won't go into all of that now, but I have been experiencing new medication: oxycontin. We started at 10 mg a day and now I'm up to 160 mg a day. This is trying to preserve the quality of life for me. So far it has been working, but driving is another part that we are working on. I try to drive to limited areas so that I could be less dangerous for both me and society.

I am still volunteering what I can of my life to the public. Some of my family members don't understand why I give up what is left of my energy to others. But it makes me feel good. Some people just don't understand. I don't think it is that hard to understand. It makes me feel like those family members are selfish. Is that mean to assume?

Everyone is sleeping or taking a nap now and I am actually alone, awake and cognizant to blog. I have been using the community bus. I never knew how to use it before, but it has been a blessing in disguise. I also made a great friend (bus driver), she''s such a sweetheart and has helped me on a large scale, even if it doesn't seem like it to her.

My family life is crazy. We are torn in all directions, everday. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. I am hoping that we are still having a strong family connection together.

I wonder...

I wonder...
am I ever going to get disability?
am I ever going to get out of bed?
am I ever going to get out of being depressed?
am I ever going to stop meddling?
...life has been extra ordinary
I love my family;
I love the people I have met on the way;
I love the people that have inspired me;
I love life...I think?
possibilities....
will I ever change?
probably NOT.

night owl :D

I am awake past one a.m. (which) has to be the first in a long time. It is the weekend and I took a nap in the middle of the day. I didn't do much today. I got to harass my teenager to see if she finished her homework, of course not...she was on myspace (ah hah!). I had to keep a close eye out on her or else she would have dragged it out through the weekend. She finally sounds okay, but is still coughing up mucus. So I will have her start her clarinet lessons tomorrow and we will have to squeeze two hour lessons this next week. The week after is her audition. The timing of this cold is just great, argh! I think I might be getting sick too.

As I was going through my mail...my unemployment decision was reversed! Yay!! I just have to wait a little bit.

As far as health goes...I'm on new medication - Amitiza. I'm not sure if it will work. I officially have carpel tunnel syndrome. I have to wear braces only at night. It comes and goes. I think the only time....it when I fill out of paperwork by hand. Typing doesn't seem to aggravate it as much

I booked my mother and I booked reservations for the December's Traveler's Agent Conference. She wants to stay there either earlier or after. So I just have to work out the flight plans & a show.

I have been doing the pool therapy twice a week, which has really helped. I am bleeding to death, or else I just feel like I am bleeding to death. The last time I bled like this...it was for a month. And as I recall very painful!

realizing...

I have always been told that I look very young. Being asian/pacific islander, that is to be expected. After my grandma had passed away, my grandma's aunt died soon after. I was thinking to myself: "I'm getting old." My daughter and I had to travel to California for the funeral. My daughter and I were travelling alone. It is strange that I remember this...we are at the airport, going through security...unloading all of our stuff, medicines, belts, shoes, etc. It was just a last minute - weekend sort of trip, under duress [the loss of my aunt and the sadness she had right before she passed], after work, kind of late at night on a Friday no less. The security guard helps us load our stuff into a plastic bin, tries to be friendly and I literally snapped. After passing through and going to the gate, my daughter tells me how rude I was to the kind man. I don't really remember the details...but she said that he asked us where we were going, something about hope you have two sisters have good time and I blurted out...something to the effect that I am going to my aunt's funeral...As you can tell, I was quite pleasant. The thought that my daughter and I were sisters?? Pissed me off BIG time. I couldn't relate. But as I look back, that was when I finally realized that my daughter had grown up. Of course, in my eyes, she will always be the little, shy girl, barely making a noise. My daughter did a lot of growing that year. When we had news that my grandma passed away, I called in sick and took my daughter with me to go to the funeral home. My daughter had always been somewhat close to grandma, calling her "grandmama" - I guess I didn't realize much, but my daughter accompanied me to view my grandmother's body. I would have never thought she would go in with me...we literally were right next to grandma as I viewed her. I remember touching the blanket that was on grandma, she was just on a table in a room. Three months later, my daughter accompanies me again - to view my aunt, in her casket, a few days after she had passed. My aunt didn't even look like herself, she was swollen, bloated looking. Three months earlier, at my grandma's memorial, my aunt was all smiles and didn't even look tired. My aunt and grandma were close, they were cousins, whom spent a lot of time together, throughout the years. My daughter showed me her strength and courage. Which encourages me in my daily battles, such a blessing. I love her.

woest me

Why, oh why did we have a girl? My husband says that he will start growing gray hairs from all these boys that are talking to his daughter. I admittedly feel the same. I am trying to stay open and ideal, right? What to do?? We were blessed with a beautiful girl. I am hoping that we have raised her well and she will make good decisions, right? Ok, why am I doubting myself? I just want to protect her...but, then again, she will have to deal with it on her own one day. Mom and dad won't be around forever to guide her. I just have to have faith. I just remember when I was that age...how friendships, boys, etc. were so exciting and family was just blah. I wanted to do so many things...but my life was an intention. I was intended to be a mother, a wife and a friend. I have no regrets. I love my daughter and my husband. My life has taught me quite a bit about life, expectations and especially responsibilities. My better half says...leave it alone. My other half says...investigate. What will I do?

blessings

As I go through the day today, I feel much better than I did yesterday. This morning I coughed up more yellow mucus balls and guess what? I started to feel much better.

My best friend, her dad had a stroke yesterday . . . she kept putting it off like it was nothing . . . it was more than that . . . I got a text message at 11:30 p.m. saying it is not looking good, they are putting a central i.v. to relieve pressure in the body. He still has not had his MRI done [yet]. This supposed prestigious hospital, a teaching one [at that], isn't time of an essence? He had a stroke? He has been waiting for over 24 hours to get an MRI and his condition is getting worse. I understand that my friend and her family, plus my other best friend that is coming out to visit me [k, I have lost my mind, she is coming next weekend - not this weekend].

A pastor was there to talk to them, while they were grieving, that the fact came up that we might lose my uncle [he is a close family friend - so in our culture, their family]. The pastor spoke how we sometimes tend to forget God when things are going good, but when things are bad, we look to him and lean on him, ask him to heal. Is it a blessing or not? Is this a way to make us realize that the higher power will take care of us? I know it must have been very upsetting for them and their family.

I feel so horrible because I am the only one that is so far away and everyone else is there. I know my friend must be feeling very sad right now, with all her support, I do know how it feels like to be all alone. Speaking of my other best friend, she went thru the same thing nine years ago, but her father is almost like in a vegetative state. He ended up in a hospice care. I don't think I could actually imagine my other uncle like that. He is so motivated and always doing something. Him and Auntie used to take care of Sammie when she was a baby. My other uncle, continues to be in a vegetative state in a hospice care till this day.

Many years have passed since I have last seen my uncle - I couldn't even see him the last time I was in California because we were there so short. I was thinking of flying out this weekend, but I don't know. I am just starting to feel better. I shouldn't push it right? But if this is the last time I might be able to see my uncle coherent, which would be very significant to us. Our families have known each other for over a decade. We are like family - even with no blood relations.

I guess I should count my blessings, things can't be too bad, yes I have LUPUS and it SUCKS, but for the latter [i'm okay]. My daughter and husband, well they have the common cold and should be getting better soon. My sister-in-law flew out to Boston because my younger sister-in-law is graduating from pharmacy school this weekend. I totally forgot. Yes, we are forgetful that way. I should probably remind my husband.

I'm sad - I want to be there for my friend. I know that she would totally be here for me if the circumstances were reversed. I miss her dearly and hope that her family will recover.