Heck, Where Have I Been?

I can't believe how long ago my last post was updated...I was having a somewhat good day until I did the un-mentionable...I went into a store with very cute clothes, I thought to has been a while since I've been in a store to shop. I've been shopping online for my needs bc I don't get out very much and that's what used to exhilarate me. I found some cute stuff on sale and some not...I kind of was thinking of skipping the "Dressing Room" part, but in these small, trendy stores...their returns aren't so easily done. So I went into the dressing room and did it. I couldn't believe how big my mid section was!! I wanted to scream and just jump off the second floor of the mall. Here I am with an xs sweater and one medium...they fit, but too short, I need one to go over my belly, ugh. I was determined! So I picked up the highest sizes I could find...generally I would put on a size 9 and that would be okay. Geez, I couldn't find anything over size 12, but I took them into the "Dressing Room". To my demise, every size did not fit! I should just shop in maternity (how embarrassing). The newest thing I've been doing has been drinking lemonade at Starbucks, I thought to myself how bad can it be? I drink juice all the time!! Of course, I've been drinking for awhile and became a "Gold" member on the Starbucks Rewards, system. Nowadays, almost everyday, I go through the drive through, by my house and I used to order a grande size (which is their medium), but now I've bumped myself up to the Venti size(which is their large). I'm sure this Starbuck run is not helping in the accumulation of fat. I've got an appointment today with my physical therapist and I believe that I have decided what I want to do! I want to work on my mid-section (trunk) of my body. I would rather have lipo or something...but can't afford it. I don't know what the outcome will be. Nothing, and I give up again? I see my teenage daughter (she looks like me when I was 18) but she just had me buy her two caramel apples: one with M&M's and the other with peanuts! She's an extra-small or size 0! That used to be me, even when I was diagnosed, I just kept hacking at my body like a crazy person. I finally gave up and just dealt with what I have and it only gets worse. My husband says it's me that doesn't want to have relations (SEX), but I believe it to be from my body. Being used to size 4, I'm somewhere in a double digit category?? I let everything go. I have been dealing with a lot of new symptoms of my lupus and I just let it all go...the piles seem normal. I was a type A, OCD freak, who couldn't sleep if there was a tiny mess in the house. Now we have maids and my husband, who really tries, but definitely not up to par with what I am accustomed to. I let my clothes in the closet sit in a large pile so that I don't even have to walk in. I can only wear so many items and I have a generous amount of clothes from my smaller sizes which I refuse to even look at. It is like I've become the opposite of me? How could that be? Really? I had to give in that my body can only do so much and I don't get as sick as I was when I was around 125 pounds. Now, I'm a whopping 162 pounds, bigger than I was when I was pregnant!! I want to roll up into a small ball and just cry. I'm supposed to be making dinner...but I am almost...I won't do anything. I'll have a salad and something, what I usually have but I'm still getting big, bigger and biggest!! I hate my body!! I hate what lupus has done to it and how deformed I am because the fat is allocated to different parts of my body making me look like a weirdo!!!!