disappointment

Today is Saturday. I wasn't feeling all too good. I stayed up late talking to my daughter and when I did finally go to bed, I had a bloody nose, that must've lasted until I fell asleep because the bag of blood was right next to the bed [lovely, huh?]. I got up and decided that I should do something today, it was beautiful out, even though I had such a bad headache...I decided why not. I went to see a lady that used to do all of my waxings, but since I don't work in Boulder anymore, I haven't really seen her since I left in October?? I called her this morning if I could come in and see her - of course, she worked me in. It was great...I have been seeing her for at least the last four years for waxing and she likes to keep up on my own "family " drama. It's like a soap opera. Some of my friends say that I should write a book, because when you think your family is strange, wait until you meet mine!

After we spent a little time with the waxing lady, we went to the Boulder Farmer's Market, which is another fav of mine. My daughter went with. She was quite annoying today, complaining about my bag, then I told her to move away, then complaining she was hungry, so I offered her money while I perused through the market, she declined. So when I finally had a chance to go through the whole market . . . we decided to get something to eat. We get up to the counter of the Tamale place [which I know she loves], so the lady asks for our order and I look to my daughter to say what she wants. She looked bewildered?? She's like I don't know! Umm...she wanted us to stand in this line and she didn't know?? She finally said something with chicken. I knew she wanted a chicken tamale. The worse part of it was that she was too scared to even place her damn order. What the heck? She can't be relying on her mommy to do this for her FOREVER. She is now 13, I know she isn't a grown up, but she can certainly order what she wants for food. She wouldn't even leave my side for a drink, so I decided to let her be thirsty. I went next door to get a noodle bowl - and the family knew us. It was my daughter's friend and family. They said Hi to us and I said HI back. I told my daughter to go and talk to her...and she kept saying no, like she was embarassed. Not only embarassed to even be there, but of her heritage. I couldn't believe it. What disappointment I felt at that one moment. I was so angry, so I reprimanded her -- she cried. Yes, I might have been a little overboard, but good grief. We are ordering lunch, not planning out her whole life. It was totally ridiculous. We sat close to the car, but kind of far from the public since she didn't even want to sit with her friend. Dumb, totally neurotic. Just plain DUMB.

I can envision her future with a man controlling her every move. I told her that she shouldn't be scared to stand up for herself, but she is. I thought she was strong, but she is weak. What am I to do? I don't want her to become like her father, who is ever so dependent on me. If I wasn't here...life would stop. He wouldn't even know where to pay the gas/electric bill. It's that bad. I have to hold his hand and tell him exactly what to do for every single thing. I fill out all the paperwork for any legal documentation, health insurance, miscellaneous things for work. It is pretty sad. Even the HR lady knows better than to ask him directly and calls me at work to make sure everything is good and dandy.

Another pet peeve is that I have to constantly remind both my husband and my daughter to do their chores, whether putting away stuff or just even taking it out of the car. I'm not even supposed to be driving, but I am to get the necessities because if I waited for someone to take me, there just would never ever be any food in the house. So after I buy stuff in bulk so that it can last for a while...umm...it just stays that way, packaged, on the floor in the kitchen or family room. Until I tell them to put it away. Like when the garbage full [duh] what do you do? You take it out, but I have to tell them. Isn't this sad? What will they both do without me? I thought that I had raised my daughter to be a fighter, a strong person, but I guess I was wrong?? I guess I have to say, I am disappointed [just a little, well maybe a lot].

I guess life is full of disappointments, nothing meeting any sort of expectations...I guess this is what is in stored for my little family.

a rough evening, TGIF

I'm not exactly sure why...but I really had a rough evening. I took a hot bath right before bed and fell sleep in the bathtub. I have never had that happen before?? Good thing I didn't drown. I could barely wake up to get out of the bathtub and into bed. I finally got into bed and fell asleep, then woke up at 1:00 a.m., 3:00 a.m. & 5:00 a.m. I'd have to say I was pretty much restless. I finally went back to bed and woke up at 7:30 a.m. Umm...needless to say, I was a little late for work. I wasn't that late because I just decided to throw on clothes and just go. I am wearing my glasses today and just ended up braiding my hair [which seems to be more common] these days.

While I was sleeping, not sure if I was dreaming or not...but one of the times I mentioned earlier...I woke up to check on my phone. I guess it was beeping, but it was far from the bed. Apparently, someone left a voicemail on it. It was my whacko uncle - just to tell me that I spelled something wrong in our monthly family newsletter. OMG! Why couldn't he just email it? Well when I checked my email, he did also email it. Umm...Okay, I'll make sure to put out a redaction! Sometimes I swear...I have no idea what is running through these people's minds. Unless you are dying...please don't try to call after 10 and if you aren't dying, don't leave a message either! Yes it is my own fault. I should just put the damn phone on silent...I guess because I fell asleep earlier than usual...I didn't quite prepare anything.

My husband is driving me insane! I guess he has been having troubles with one of his toys, his motorcycle to be more specific. Ugh! It has been a BIG cause towards his depression. It is so easy for him to get depressed over such little things. The motorcycle is getting fixed at the dealership under warranty. All he has to do is wait. I guess patience was not one of his virtues.

I had to get out for lunch. So a co-worker and I went to the 7th floor and sat outside. It was a little overcast, but we sat and chatted. I guess I didn't realize how I was frying myself outside. Now my face, skin and just every little things hurts. The sun feels like it drains all of my energy from my body. I have two more hours to go before it is time to go home...hurry...hurry...please!!

TMI [too much information]

When is it considered too much information? My daughter, who is 13 years old, got asked out by a boy. We have been established in the community for about 10 years, so we pretty much know everyone around, especially the ones that have kids that are about our daughter's age. What I realized when she had her "official" boyfriend, that I had no clue who he was, neither did she from what it sounded like or maybe she was avoiding the fact that she might have to tell me? We are pretty open about these things or at least that's how I felt. I made a list of things that I wanted to know, whether they had relevance or not, just trying to see what kind of information would she be able to gather for me. She said things to me, like I don't think he has a cell phone and he might have an email, but for sure I don't think he uses IM [instant messaging], which I kind of find hard to believe. We are so wired these days, even my mother uses this stuff and she is in her 60's. I thought - Wow, that's so weird. So I asked for just simple things, like his address, phone number, cell number [if he had one], email address - oh and I can't forget the middle name. I wasn't quite sure why I wanted to know that, but I asked anyway. My daughter claimed to have told him that her mother [me, ms. stalker] wanted to know all of this information. Surprisingly enough, he gave it all to her. But the weirdest thing of all is that he has yet to tell his parents. She said that he claims that his parents are crazy. Now, what teenager doesn't think their parents are crazy? So I have yet to meet him in person. I saw him from afar and I haven't talked to his parents either. I asked my daughter was this just a "titled" relationship?? I don't know, but I thought they would talk or something, but apparently out of school, it is like this boy doesn't even exist? Summer is just around the corner, so we'll see what the future holds for us.

aNEW day...afterALL

I dropped off my childhood friend at the airport this morning. UGH, the traffic trying to get back to downtown Denver!! But I finally made it - 30 minutes late, so it wasn't too bad. I think? We went up to Estes Park yesterday. I was totally pooped and felt really bad that I just passed out on her like that! She was looking for her pass-a-port last night and I totally scared her, but she should keep better tabs on it! Some things just never change, stuff was everywhere...so now we have to clean up this mess at home.

As I was in traffic, not moving at all, I was texting my daughter and friend, about random stuff. I found out this morning that my daughter's ex-best friend forever just got dumped, but I told her to be careful. Children can be cruel as teenagers. She just hooked up with some "shy" boy and her BFF's (best friend forever) girlfriend at the time is a real ***, well you know. I just don't need anymore "drama" and school is almost out. So her ex-BFF posted some stuff on AIM and I just don't want them to start talking again and being friends only for her to lose her BFF again (which was pretty sad). Knowing this girlfriend of his - she would just do it to play with their minds and stuff. The girlfriend was super jealous and really low self-esteem. She's pretty and stuff, so I don't know what her deal was, but she really hated my daughter. My daughter is pretty secure in the way she feels about herself and body. She also used to be close friends with the girl, but because of her "crazy" attitude, their friendship ended. Soon after, her BFF's friendship ended too. Now all of a sudden, he's dumped and looking for a girl? What's up with that? Apparently, the boy has never been girlfriend less~which says what about the boy? Insecurity as well?

Okay was that as confusing as it sounded?? It looks confusing, ha!

Anyhow, I am at work now and what am I doing? Blogging. Yes, my life is exciting. NOT! I have my own "dramas" to deal with, plus my family newsletter is due out tomorrow or Thursday and I haven't started on it yet. I have to figure out what is going on with everyone before I even post something. I did bring all my stuff to work so I could do it here, but I would need to send out emails to people to figure out what is going on...ya know, the scoop.

Today, was a BETTER day, yeah!

I woke up, much better than yesterday. I had a slight nose bleed in the middle of the night. Having some issues with the bathroom I'm not exactly sure why??? I've taken everything that I can think of and will probably have to do an enima soon [yes, eww].

Today, we drove up to Estes Park to show my friend around. It was very WARM and lots of people. We walked through some shops and finally left because it was just ENOUGH. It is a beatiful town, but so touristy during these times. So it was quite crowded.

I wrote an email to my friend's cousin [yes, I know it isn't any of my business], but I felt the urge to stick up for my friend. My friend has been my friend longer that I have known my husband which is more than half of my life. She has a distant relative [I guess some "family feud"] had gotten in the way of them knowing each other. Something or rather, was posted on something like "MYSPACE", but it is called something else, and for the life of me, I can't remember? Ugh, my Lupus Brain! But I wrote a letter to her on email telling her that she was immature and that it was ridiculous for her to berate my friend while she was visiting in the states for such limited time over "gossip". Everyone has dealt with gossip on more than one ocassion, especially if you are of an asian decent. I told her to grow up and get a life. She can't care about what everyone says and there is no way she'll ever be able to please everyone. Sometimes, "gossip" is just that - gossip. [Yes, I stuck myself in a place that I am not supposed to]. But I felt strongly about it because my friend kept reading this email her cousin sent to her over and over again, thinking about what to say in return?? I thought, how immature?

Anyways, now they are all picture happy. My friend is leaving Colorado tomorrow morning, back to California and on Friday, she leaves for Saipan to continue her missionary work. I shall miss her dearly. It is very different to be with someone physically then it is to talk to them everday for years and years and just not see them physically. I wish I could see her more often. I don't kow if I could survive out in Saipan. She complains how cold I keep the house for me here in Colorado! I might melt back in Saipan, hee:) So we'll see . . . my daughter does desperately want to go out to Japan, which is very close to Saipan. We'll see how our schedules work out and if funds are available.

ugh FRUSTRATIONS!

I woke up this morning, barely able to move...maybe I just pushed myself a [little] too much last night. I had a bloody nose in the middle of the night or early morning. I was just bleeding all over the place, ugh! I had to wake up my hubby, but by that time I had been draining blood [basically drinking it] because I could barely get my ass up to drain into a bag. I guess I should've know it would've been a rough day/morning. It is almost four 0'clock and I have yet to get out of my bed. My husband is in some sort of denial [I think?]. Again, he claims I am assuming. But he lays in bed next to me, not wanting to get close, and makes comments like: "why don't you just get out of bed?" What the hell? If I could, I would. I have a friend visiting and the last thing I want to be doing is laying in bed and not showing her around town. We were supposed to go to Estes Park today and get brunch, but I am obviously not going anywhere in this state. I need rest, desperately. I feel bad because she is probably bored [I think?] again, I don't know. She keeps talking about going home. I don't know if home, meaning California or Saipan. She tried to change her ticket while she was here to skip Japan, but then again...it was going to charge her some fee to change it, so she is debating whether or not she should change it. I would love to go back with her and get some R & R, but I am so tempermental...plus the extreme heat might do me in, ha! She kept complaining how cold it was here! OMG, it felt fine. I guess that would be life with a menapausal woman, right?? I kicked the hubby out of the bedroom so that he could watch whatever he wants to...He refuses to eat or even say that he is hungry, but we ALL know is that he is hungry. He gets all irritable, more than usual. Ugh, I can't stand it, especially when I am not feeling well and we have a guest at the house. Why can't he just grow up and say he's hungry or get food himself?? He wants me to drag my ass out of bed to feed him!! What the hell? I can't do this forever and it is seeminly catching up with me. I hate having LUPUS. It sucks, it affects all aspects of my life. I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to suffer slowly like I am?