my HEART aches!

Another day has passed, another evening, early morning...etc...thoughts of my friend and her family on my mind. I spoke to her up until midnight last night and then woke up at 3:30 a.m. to talk to her again. They are still trying to control the swelling. Yesterday, I sent her a video of my daughter and they uploaded it to her laptop so her dad could see her & [possibly] recognize her and say her name. They have not left his bedside. I have the urge to come out and be with her to be close by if she needs me, to lean on me, as she has done so much for me over the years. I understand the doctors have already talked to the immediate family about advanced directives - just in case they can't control the swelling and he can't voice his wishes. It was so strange, but I was thinking of this on the way home. We have a circle of friends - back home in California. Out of five of us - I don't know my father, so that leaves four, one had a stroke 9 years ago and is still alive, but vegetative, then the other two passed away. My daughter said "It's something in the water!" So paranoid! But it is strange. The local cemetary - is filled with so many people that I have had interaction with or actually know [young and old]. People always wondered why I would go there for lunch sometimes to visit. Now I know why. The last time I went back to the cemetary was when my aunt passed away this last November - visiting a father to one of my friends, I laid some fake flowers down. My friend was pointing out all the other graves, that have yet to have placed the name stones of people I know or knew. It is so sad, so much tragedy. So much tragedy in my life in these last few years. Death has become too familiar. Why?

I have had the chance to even plan funerals - just like a wedding, all played out in parts, with annoucements, with music, flowers - the only difference is that it isn't a celebration, oh and we can't forget the casket, plus the marked black clothing.

I have no idea why I am even writing this...maybe because it has been waiting...[hopefully] for good news.



As I go through the day today, I feel much better than I did yesterday. This morning I coughed up more yellow mucus balls and guess what? I started to feel much better.

My best friend, her dad had a stroke yesterday . . . she kept putting it off like it was nothing . . . it was more than that . . . I got a text message at 11:30 p.m. saying it is not looking good, they are putting a central i.v. to relieve pressure in the body. He still has not had his MRI done [yet]. This supposed prestigious hospital, a teaching one [at that], isn't time of an essence? He had a stroke? He has been waiting for over 24 hours to get an MRI and his condition is getting worse. I understand that my friend and her family, plus my other best friend that is coming out to visit me [k, I have lost my mind, she is coming next weekend - not this weekend].

A pastor was there to talk to them, while they were grieving, that the fact came up that we might lose my uncle [he is a close family friend - so in our culture, their family]. The pastor spoke how we sometimes tend to forget God when things are going good, but when things are bad, we look to him and lean on him, ask him to heal. Is it a blessing or not? Is this a way to make us realize that the higher power will take care of us? I know it must have been very upsetting for them and their family.

I feel so horrible because I am the only one that is so far away and everyone else is there. I know my friend must be feeling very sad right now, with all her support, I do know how it feels like to be all alone. Speaking of my other best friend, she went thru the same thing nine years ago, but her father is almost like in a vegetative state. He ended up in a hospice care. I don't think I could actually imagine my other uncle like that. He is so motivated and always doing something. Him and Auntie used to take care of Sammie when she was a baby. My other uncle, continues to be in a vegetative state in a hospice care till this day.

Many years have passed since I have last seen my uncle - I couldn't even see him the last time I was in California because we were there so short. I was thinking of flying out this weekend, but I don't know. I am just starting to feel better. I shouldn't push it right? But if this is the last time I might be able to see my uncle coherent, which would be very significant to us. Our families have known each other for over a decade. We are like family - even with no blood relations.

I guess I should count my blessings, things can't be too bad, yes I have LUPUS and it SUCKS, but for the latter [i'm okay]. My daughter and husband, well they have the common cold and should be getting better soon. My sister-in-law flew out to Boston because my younger sister-in-law is graduating from pharmacy school this weekend. I totally forgot. Yes, we are forgetful that way. I should probably remind my husband.

I'm sad - I want to be there for my friend. I know that she would totally be here for me if the circumstances were reversed. I miss her dearly and hope that her family will recover.



I went home today in a fog. Maybe I took just a wee bit too many pills for my cold. I was so out of it. I didn't take my usual nap during the day. And for some odd reason, I totally forgot to eat lunch. I guess I have been so anxious because of my best friend's dad - having a stroke. Just sitting on the edge, figuring out what will happen now? He might have right side paralysis and he definitely has slurred speech. They are still waiting for an MRI to see what kind of damage he had from the multiple storkes.

I get a call from my daughter [somewhat in a panic] because she couldn't type up her took me a while to get it...apparently we just needed software. So I picked her up on the way home and took her right to the store and boughtt the software and headed home, looking for my bed. I took a long hot bath and felt great! I was even able to kind of groom my doggies outside on the driveway.

Right now, I am just chilling on my bed...watching t.v., deciding what kind of sleepin pill I should be taking today. I haven't had that full, deep sleep in a while. I miss it - dearly [what a tragedy]. I hope that it comes and finds me [again].

My best friend from high school was supposed to be flying in tonight to Denver. I haven't called to see if she made it in or not or if she decided to say in California because of our other friend. Who knows? She did ask if I wanted to go white river rafting -- sounds like fun, but I am sure it will include something like paramedics and the emergency room. I will take it easy this time, just relax and hang out with my long time friend that I won't be able to see for a LONG time.

All these years, so many memories, whether silly or serious, we have through it all, thick and thin, it is amazing how we have lasted this long. It is almost like a marriage, but so different. I don't really know how to explain it. But we are there for each other when we need each other, whether it is something serious or just what color shoes to buy. Yes, we can be very shallow too.

I hate being SICK!

Yesterday afternoon, was a bittersweet afternoon. As I was driving home, I called my pharmacist to see if one of my scripts were ready for pickup. Indeed it was, so I said I would swing by to pick it up. I went over to the grocery store to pick it up and thought, why NOT? Do some grocery shopping and pick up a few "need me" items. So I did. I got a call from my husband about going to the mall to get his [Oakley] sunglasses fixed. I said fine. I talked with my pharmacist who basically told me it was my surrounding . . . as to why I was sick. Was I wiping everything down? We needed to all be seperated and sheets changed, no sharing of towels or anything else! I came home, furious [to say the least]. I dunno, but it just got to me that my family would intentionally not care that they are sharing germs with me. I am immunosuppressed [as if that is new news]. I think I was just pissed off and tired of being SICK.

I took all the sheets off, had my daughter help me turn the mattress over, febreezed and/or lysol sprayed everything down -- until it was a little bit of an overkill. I had her wash the bedspread in HOT water. Knowing my husband, washing everything together, not in hot, not killing the germs. I was ANGRY.

Anyhow, I've started my day out with throwing up blood and mucus balls [yellow]. My daughter had to help me because I was just bleeding all over the place to the point of no control. I ended up taking a TON of pills, avoiding the antibiotics like the plague, because we all know what happens when you have to take antibiotics and you are already get sicker. If I take the antibiotics, I will end up with a yeast infection, which would mean anti-fungals. Yes, my life is lovely. My husband, being resentful, stayed in a separate room last night...left early for work...didn't bother to help with my pills, so my daughter ended up doing them. I was late for work [again]. Considering I just got a talk yesterday about the accuracy of my time sheets and how my schedule is NEVER the same. Apparently, this is an ongoing problem, and they are actually pulling times off my card which tells them when I enter the building [so retarded]. Plus, our dress code will go into effect, of course, I am non-compliant [again], but what's new?

I went through my mail yesterday, found bills [yes, lovely assortment]. It was bills for medical appointments [that just seemed like a waste of time]. One was because they had billed the wrong insurance company. I had been to see them before and they had billed the correct one, now they are reverting and billing an old one? Another one [totally ridiculous] billed for four office visits in one day? So I would owe four copays [nice, huh?]. I spent my morning, calling, faxing, etc. I have no idea if they will get it right. They always ask for your insurance card at the beginning of a medical visit, that's how they got the co-pay amount. I'm not sure what they do with all those copies [throw them out?].

I got a text message this morning from my close friend. Her dad had a stroke last night and they were still in the emergency room. OMG, this is so surreal. I tried to call her to see if they were all okay and if he was going to be okay. She had to hang up on me, so I called her cousin to see what was happening. They were waiting for a room to open up so they could move him from the emergency room up to a floor. I hope he will be okay.


what is [for]EVER?

What is the word, Forever, mean? Neverending...long time...why do we take things forgranted? I guess so we can learn from our mistakes? I'm not sure...but I am so confused about what I am supposed to be doing with myself these days. Yesterday, I almost wanted to quit my job. What was I thinking? I have a family that depends on me and my income, not to mention my health issues that drain everything out of both my husband and I.

Actually, if you really thought about it, calculated it, it would be better if I was dead than ALIVE. Strangely enough, I'm still here. I probably won't be going anywhere for a LONG time. I am sick. I got sick as my "mother's day" present! My daughter has been sick since before her birthday party, gave it to all her friends, then proceeded to give it to my husband, who also gave it to his co-workers, then finally comes down to me. I'm losing my voice. I feel terrible as it is . . . and on top of that . . . [yes, there is more] work really SUCKS! I feel like a little child, because someone watches me, every moment, minute of the day, to see what the heck I'm doing, whether it be in the bathroom or what not, my supposed job [I assume?] is to sit at my desk all day and answer the phones. Well it rang once in an hour. So it must mean we get incessant phone calls, right? Nope, just some people don't want to answer the phone. Then I get dumped on because an older secretary just dumps things on me when she doesn't feel like doing it, but when I first came, she made it very clear that I was to stay away from her work - at all costs. So [i'm confused] a little. I don't care...I just do it anyway. I hate how we have to report every little thing, as if we can't talk to each other. How old are we? Apparently, we aren't [OLD] grown up enough. Maybe I am missing something? You never know...

I took a nap today for lunch. Yes, I was feeling that great. I'm now taking Mucinex DM, Nyquil & my regular meds. My left shoulder is killing me so I put a lidocain [lidoderm] patch on it, but it still aches. The weather changed [20 degree difference] so my body is adjusting. My body hates it [frankly]. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired [is there such a thing?].

Overwhelmed with the constant aches and pains, what is considered real anymore? Will this really be forever? God, I hope not. What I would give to be normal again? That does sound a bit scary [flashbacks from demon possessed movies]. Would I really give up my soul? Maybe? Nah! I would rather not. All I want is some rest, respect and life to continue on . . .

My husband says that I [always] refer to only my feelings. Yes, I am sure I do. But I hurt...why is it only me? Why is it me? I feel bad that he has to deal with it, I also feel bad that my daughter does too. So does everyone have to suffer because I am?

Now I am coughing, almost to the point where I hurt. Is this considered normal? Probably not, but I am tired of this merry-go-round with the doctors. I'm tired of medications that give no relief. I'm just [plainly] tired.

Tonight I shaint be cooking dinner - it will be either Ramen Noodles or frozen pizza. Or maybe fast food [NO]. Probably make me even more sick than I am already.

I got an IM message this morning from my husband's sister just to say HI. I didn't want to say anything substantial back [because I just don't want to know], so she didn't say much back. I know her ex [bf] came back from Kansas City, because my husband saw him at Blockbuster yesterday. You can't miss the dude! I already told her that if she couldn't deal wtih this situation the first time around, that I would [NOT] help her, she would have to go directly to her brother. As if I don't have enough drama on my own that I need to deal with her loser bf, that has no job, lies [ALL] the time about everything! I can't even figure out what is real anymore.

My uncle sent me an email this morning about his events. I've been too sick to even keep up with that [drama] episode. I'm tired of hearing everyone's drama. I need a vacation from self. Note to self: Take a vacation!

My best friend from high school is coming out to see me soon. It will be her 30th birthday. I don't know if we will be able to do anything, we are both broke and she is a missionary, so she doesn't make much anymore. I can't really go anywhere and enjoy myself these days. Plus, I am depressed, I think because of my job. I don't want her visit here to be "gloomy" because I am in a [horrid] mood. Who knows, things could change? Yea right!

It is [even] gloomy outside. Just like I feel inside. Please don't say this will be forever, please!


different, Really??

Well I'm not sure if time has changed at all. I feel like sometimes I have been snapped out of time and taken to a different place. I just dealt with my daughter's supposed "best buddie" or whom I thought was her good friend. We spent many months talking to each other, going out together, etc. I finally talked to his parents today and it was so weird...he was so angry and now refuses to even talk to my daughter. I kind of felt bad that I intruded, but I usually know all of my daughter's friends and their parents...I'm not sure what was the difference between this child and another??

Later, I also find out that his girlfriend has been giving my daughter grief about not having boobs. It will come in time, if she doesn't have any, then that girl has nothing to worry about...I think she's just jealous of my daughter and how the guys like her just the way she is - self defiant. I see a lot of her in me. I can't say that excites me, but I know a man that chooses her or she chooses will have to have lots of patience with her. I can definitely tell she won't be one of those women -- that takes orders, but gives them.

I am still sick and yet to go to bed. I feel terrible. Well actually I feel okay right about now. I took all of my medications and I am wide awake. Don't ask me how...but for some apparent reason, my husband is out like a light bulb and I am awake as if the sun never set. I miss just being so carefree.

I talked to my family today about maybe taking some time off and not husband was a little bit scared by the dramatic effect it would take on our finances. I don't know what I was thinking, but I was definitely feeling it when I wanted to go to this lunch thing at my daughter's school. To think that I would have to take an extra hour just for driving just seemed insane! Although I am getting paid a lot of money at this place to answer the money worth more than time?? I would beg to differ. Of course, you can always get used to spending more than spending less, plus with all of my health dilemmas it would cost an arm and a leg for me to go to all of my docs. I don't know what I want for now...let's just say I am very undecided right now.


Happy "mother's" Day!!

Today is Mother's Day, our so-called poor husband, who tried really hard to get me gifts that I might not exchange or return. He is getting least he got the right stores, ha! I only really have to return one thing and thank goodness my daughter can't find what she made me! It's like her tradition to make me something that I will have to keep forever. I told her that it was okay, a nice note would be just fine, but no -- she insists because she knows it makes me crazy! I tried to call one of my mother-in-laws, but she didn't answer. I don't really talk to the other one...and then there is my own, whom I'm not on speaking terms with. I am not sure what to do about that one. I am going to head into town today and will put new flowers on my grandma's grave. I know that I should be a bigger person than my mother, but I want her to know I mean business this time. I am tired of her over-stepping boundaries, pessimisstic attitude, monetary over the value of life, etc...I just can't stand it. I definintely don't want to turn into her and I do not want my daughter to turn into her either! Life has been a struggle in more than one way for me. Life has definitely been a CHALLENGE. Not only does my body suffer physically, but mentally I am scarred from childhood all the way up as an adult. My therapist told me that I have the so-called "abandonment" issues. Maybe I might overcompensate for my own daughter, but that's because of how traumatic it was for me growing up and even till this day. I don't want to repeat the cycle and I was told the only stable person in my life is my husband. My rock! He isn't perfect, but he tries. He has been with me through good times and bad, rough and really rough ones...etc. I don't know how I would've survived this long without him. I love him.

Well now that I am getting sick from my lovely family...which started with my daughter the day before her birthday party...whom she got every girl that attended sick, my husband & now me. Ugh! almost three weeks later and we are still dealing with this illness, OMG! I shall sign off today and try to enjoy the rest of the day. Happy Mother's Day to you all!