what is [for]EVER?

What is the word, Forever, mean? Neverending...long time...why do we take things forgranted? I guess so we can learn from our mistakes? I'm not sure...but I am so confused about what I am supposed to be doing with myself these days. Yesterday, I almost wanted to quit my job. What was I thinking? I have a family that depends on me and my income, not to mention my health issues that drain everything out of both my husband and I.

Actually, if you really thought about it, calculated it, it would be better if I was dead than ALIVE. Strangely enough, I'm still here. I probably won't be going anywhere for a LONG time. I am sick. I got sick as my "mother's day" present! My daughter has been sick since before her birthday party, gave it to all her friends, then proceeded to give it to my husband, who also gave it to his co-workers, then finally comes down to me. I'm losing my voice. I feel terrible as it is . . . and on top of that . . . [yes, there is more] work really SUCKS! I feel like a little child, because someone watches me, every moment, minute of the day, to see what the heck I'm doing, whether it be in the bathroom or what not, my supposed job [I assume?] is to sit at my desk all day and answer the phones. Well it rang once in an hour. So it must mean we get incessant phone calls, right? Nope, just some people don't want to answer the phone. Then I get dumped on because an older secretary just dumps things on me when she doesn't feel like doing it, but when I first came, she made it very clear that I was to stay away from her work - at all costs. So [i'm confused] a little. I don't care...I just do it anyway. I hate how we have to report every little thing, as if we can't talk to each other. How old are we? Apparently, we aren't [OLD] grown up enough. Maybe I am missing something? You never know...

I took a nap today for lunch. Yes, I was feeling that great. I'm now taking Mucinex DM, Nyquil & my regular meds. My left shoulder is killing me so I put a lidocain [lidoderm] patch on it, but it still aches. The weather changed [20 degree difference] so my body is adjusting. My body hates it [frankly]. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired [is there such a thing?].

Overwhelmed with the constant aches and pains, what is considered real anymore? Will this really be forever? God, I hope not. What I would give to be normal again? That does sound a bit scary [flashbacks from demon possessed movies]. Would I really give up my soul? Maybe? Nah! I would rather not. All I want is some rest, respect and life to continue on . . .

My husband says that I [always] refer to only my feelings. Yes, I am sure I do. But I hurt...why is it only me? Why is it me? I feel bad that he has to deal with it, I also feel bad that my daughter does too. So does everyone have to suffer because I am?

Now I am coughing, almost to the point where I hurt. Is this considered normal? Probably not, but I am tired of this merry-go-round with the doctors. I'm tired of medications that give no relief. I'm just [plainly] tired.

Tonight I shaint be cooking dinner - it will be either Ramen Noodles or frozen pizza. Or maybe fast food [NO]. Probably make me even more sick than I am already.

I got an IM message this morning from my husband's sister just to say HI. I didn't want to say anything substantial back [because I just don't want to know], so she didn't say much back. I know her ex [bf] came back from Kansas City, because my husband saw him at Blockbuster yesterday. You can't miss the dude! I already told her that if she couldn't deal wtih this situation the first time around, that I would [NOT] help her, she would have to go directly to her brother. As if I don't have enough drama on my own that I need to deal with her loser bf, that has no job, lies [ALL] the time about everything! I can't even figure out what is real anymore.

My uncle sent me an email this morning about his events. I've been too sick to even keep up with that [drama] episode. I'm tired of hearing everyone's drama. I need a vacation from self. Note to self: Take a vacation!

My best friend from high school is coming out to see me soon. It will be her 30th birthday. I don't know if we will be able to do anything, we are both broke and she is a missionary, so she doesn't make much anymore. I can't really go anywhere and enjoy myself these days. Plus, I am depressed, I think because of my job. I don't want her visit here to be "gloomy" because I am in a [horrid] mood. Who knows, things could change? Yea right!

It is [even] gloomy outside. Just like I feel inside. Please don't say this will be forever, please!

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