blood

Who knew you could lose enough blood from a bloody nose to need a transfusion?? Apparently, that happens. I haven't been feeling too well, losing lots of blood lately to the point...well I can't move, I'm tired and just not happy. I have been in a lot of pain. More than usual. Well I guess there is no real way of explaining. But I have come to think of myself as a complainer. As I complain about my life, my pain, my short comings. What else is left?

Life is complicated by so many details. Why do I care about details? I have no idea...because most people don't. Why can't life just be simple...loving and well I don't know...

I have been unbearable lately. To my husband, my daughter, to my family. I just need a break. Money is always an issue, but I am not even thinking of that right now. I just want peace.

Pissy Day...

I guess I must've pissed everyone that I love off. I wanted my daughter to go out this evening and she fought it. I came within grips of information that she had felt guilty for having fun while I was in pain. I want her to have a normal life...but what is considered normal?? Well when a teenage girl wants to spend more time with her mom than she does with her friends...I find that concerning. Yes, it is loving...but she is yet to leave the house since the weekend. I don't want her to end up isolated...like me allergic to everything. Not allowed to do anything. I give her total freedom, and she refuses it. I have to say it makes me angry. But I guess that's what happens when they can speak their mind. I have her doing house chores that I generally reserve for the maids. But I am tired of her watching...passing garbage when she could help and pick it up. No, it could molded over and it would still be there. I love her. I want her to be loved. I know that I am not the greatest especially when I am in pain. I think part of me knows that she knows that one day she may lose me. But that could be fifty years from now. I can be here forever...as they say. Or until each organ fails, one by one. My husband is even upset with me...he even suggested that I stop taking my medications. Well if it so pleases him...I shall do so. I am tired of taking the meds...I know they keep me alive and it will be a painful process, but I think I am willing to take such a step. I don't think they take me seriously anymore anyways. Who knows who is hurting more?? All we do is have disagreements. Why does life have to be so complicated?

reminder...

A small reminder of my Lupus today. I couldn't move. Yes, I said it...it was very disturbing. I wanted to cry, but didn't have the energy. Why am I so fatigued. Why is it some days I feel fine and others I just want to die? My husband had to call in to stay with me today because he just couldn't leave me like this. He wants me to find answers, but I can't...I ask my doctors...they don't know...they call me a "complicated" patient...does that mean I am a hypochondriac? Maybe? I couldn't even go into work...I wanted to so badly. My husband said that he tried and tried. Then he had to help me go to the bathroom. I just was so fatigued. I will never understand why my body does this to me. I don't think I could ever figure it out...either. I just want to be normal...whatever that might be...but it isn't this. I only got out of bed at 4:30 p.m. today. I slept for two days and half. Yes, that's correct. Maybe I'm over-exhausted. A couple of years ago...I was told to slow down or else! I thought I had...apparently not enough.

Today...

I didn't do much today. I slept majority of the day and kind of forgot what day it was...I was so tired, that I didn't really make it out of my bedroom.

My daughter had a birthday party to go to in the afternoon. Then it was her one month anniversary - with her first boyfriend, so he came over with his dog.

My husband did lawn work and rode his motorcycle when my daughter was home. Other than that, it was a really hot day and we were pushing the digits on record.