In preparation...

Tomorrow is my last cytoxan treatment, hopefully for a long time. I can't even remember life prior, isn't that sad? I have made the decision and have persisted to do or say, no to testing, no to new treatment & no more of anything else. I have had it. Round-and-round, with nothing to show for it. I think I have sacrificed enough of myself to know that maybe this is where it ends. Well that kind of sounds morbid, but it wasn't meant to. I think that I have been through quite a bit. (Although, signs of a drama queen, come to mind, but who classifies enough?) Do we have to suffer many tragedies before we can actually accomodate the heading "i've endured"? Goodness, I hope not. I made my reservation for a pick up from my home to work tomorrow morning. My husband is to pick me up from work to go to the hospital. I checked with the hospital to make sure they had all orders and my room ready. I guess I have been doing this long enough to know I don't want to spend any unnecessary time at the hospital. The nurse remembered me as the "ice cap" lady. Yes, very lovely, right? Well my doctor is kind of "old-school" wherein he writes a script for my cytoxan treatment and tells them what kind of anti-nausea and how to administer the treatment, but he always asks for an ice cap and I always say "no". I have only done the ice cap once, under another nephrologist, let me tell you...it was quite the painful event. I thought having the infusion was bad enough...but to have a huge bag of ice on your head, something of preservation of hair, so your hair won't fall out. Well I've been doing cytoxan since 2004 and it is now 2007, my hair does fall out, but I still have a head of hair. It is just thinner. I have been having an emotional, so-called "melt" lately or at least I think? I am emotionally turned on small items that usually don't get a rise out of me, but lately, I have uncontrolled emotions. From simple decisions to heart-breaking ones, have been on my gut. Yea, it is that bad. I can't tell the difference of the comings and goings of anything. I feel like I keep forgetting something, but I am not sure. Like it is gonna come as a surprise. To me, everything seems to be a little bit of a surprise because I don't maintain the memory long enough to remember. I just move with the motions, my mind could be elsewhere. What does that tell you? The quality of "my" life has deteriorated to the point where I am not willing to risk anymore on. As if I didn't deal with side-effects already, then on top the emotional, the medications, etc. It just builds on you and there is only so much left in you.

reality...

I haven't been doing much, just the random, same things over and over again. I'm trying not to get fired, but my hopes of staying employed may be short-lived. I can't help it, but I seem to have a problem with authority. I need the job for monetary reasons, but I can't seem to make my mind understand. I say it, but following through is another story.

Plus, my mind seems so random. Certain things I remember and others...just vanish at the blink of an eye. I used to have such a great memory, but nowadays...you are lucky if I remember the morning after.

My husband is trying to get our doggies to exercise. Lately, because I have been unable to leave the house on certain days, they seem to be putting on some weight. Getting hefty. We all love how they are so cute and pudgy. Well - of course, we want them to live much longer, so he had to take them for walks, separately. I used to be able to go on walks with them, but I have no stamina, plus I have a huge dog and when he pulls, umm...it's like he's walking me! My rheumatologist has already told me that I am not supposed to be walking the dogs, plus I can't get too far anyways.