i'm oblivious

I'm oblivious to the obvious. It is so weird how things just seem to work itself out. It could be a matter of time or just...

My daughter is reading, The Diary of Anne Frank, First Anchor Books Edition, March 1996. It is so weird, but I guess it shouldn't be, but I read this book as an adolescent. I don't remember any details except for it being a bad time, war.

Is that so bad that my memory is only limited to that? I guess I could say that I don't remember anything, but I do. The things that I think about in my head, basically gets lost in translation, before I can type it. I almost feel robotic about it.

I am 31 and my daughter is 13, ironic? Nah, it is just a counter of our lives. I am looking for a book. I vaguely remember it, but I have no idea where it is. I have looked in all the usual places, but still I can't seem to find it. My options are pretty limited, if I do indeed have the book, it is probably in the basement. My reason for the search is to find a picture, a rare one.

Dear Auntie

My dear aunt. Her birthday is just 'round the corner. I found an old picture of her, from maybe 15 or 20 years ago. I have been thinking of getting it framed in rememberance [yes, she is dead] of her. I don't want to hurt her family's feelings and have thought: maybe it is just best to give the picture to the family and let them decide if they would like to frame it? I know the family has been heart broken over her death, but it happens.


Medication of the Day

At my neurologist appointment, I always notice how quick they are to try more and more medications. Effexor is the newest one. I don't know if I want to even try it. But apparently, this is my next move. Should I?

Truly hate or just be*littling me??

How my life has changed in the past few weeks, days, hours, & minutes. Things change constantly in my life, revolving round-and-round.

I talked to my mother last night. She gave me a check on Monday for my daughter's sports' fees. Sometimes she helps out with those fees, because it is overwhelming for us. Also, my uncle [my mom's oldest living brother] contributes to her activities as well. My mother and I have different last names, as I was finishing up the paperwork - I thought for a moment, what if they don't credit the "right" child? So [dummy me] calls her up @ work to ask if she could just write the check out to my daughter and I would write a check out of my daughter's account to cover the sporting fee. My mother [who truly must hate me] says: "are you sure this is really for this..." Good grief! I told her she could drop off the forms with the money and just make sure it gets credited correctly. She didn't even believe me [argh!!!] I was angry and argued back. Next thing I know...she [my mother] makes comments that when I was a child that I was L*A*Z*Y [WTF!]. I have written this in many letters to my family, including blogging and even when I have discussions with people I have always referred to having lupus as a child. I have memories, where I was in pain and later realized that it was because of my lupus. I was always a sickly child. I told her: "don't you remember..." all the times that I had to be home sick from school? Where she even had to take care of me? She always claimed it was allergies. I am not that little girl anymore. Word for word: "You don't know what lupus is?" "You have no medical background!" I am living with lupus, every day of my d*mn life! How dare she!! I fire back [of course with my ammunition] and remind her that she was never there for me, that she didn't do anything for me during my childhood nor adolescence. Of course, she reminded me [monetary value] that she paid for my education. Yes, I had an expensive education. I will give her that, but money can never buy back time spent together. Apparently, having the right school, breed, etc., is the way to go...and I didn't go that way. I made a decision, based on what was happening at my life, at the moment, to become a mother that is totally opposite of what I know of a "family" then, she hung up on me. Like my whole life, she drops me when convenient. If she wants to visit, she chooses to do so, but I have no opinion. I can never hug my mother nor could I tell her that I love her...I think inside me, I truly may h*te her. I know that I am supposed to let got of the past and move on with the now and the future. But my childhood is what makes me the person I am today [yes, I believe I have repeated this phrase many times] but it is such a sore spot for me. I went to see my neurologist today. He said that if I feel too sedated then I could cut back on my medication, but at this point, today, he said I would not change a thing. Then of course, he tells me the usual [if I had a nickel for...] "[patient's name] you are depressed and anxious." And until you get through this, it can only get worse. I have spoken to my internist who believes that I am experiencing a short-circuit in my brain, that I need to take medical leave and [attempt] to control it. I am tired of the tests, the medications, the reactions. I just want to be at this moment, left alone. The reality is, if it is not life-threatening, just leave it. I have already sacrificed so much of "myself" I don't even know the difference anymore. I have the choice to "reconnect" but if I choose to. I don't know if I can deal with much more family "issues" than I already have. It is apparent that I will never get the answers to what I am looking for from my mother, the other option is reconnecting to a father [who genetically made me] absent from my life physically and financially. I contend to myself, I was raised by a single mother, if and when I was with that mother. I spent majority of my time being dropped off at various places, sent away, instead of just being my mom. Now I have a family of my own. Yes, I know [they are suffering because of my suffering] counseling. I did therapy, counseling, psychiatrists. All I can say is more "sedation" techniques are used until I am a vegetable. If I wanted to be a vegetable, I would have let go a long time ago. I fight everyday to be here. Why? For my family right? What about me? Yes, I know it is very selfish of me, to think of my own happiness. Yes, it would hurt others, is too short to live "unhappy" feelings all the time, running through your head, non-stop, with no answers. I'm OCD and until I can come to realization that this is it, I will continue to obsess.


my past taunting me

blurbs from a conversation:

Thank you for taking the time to speak with me last night. Although, I know I get very emotional when speaking of my childhood, I understood what you were trying to tell me. I guess my frustrations really lie with my own parents. I can admit that I can't let go and I continue to dwell on it -- but the person I have become today is because of whatever happened to me. As a mother, I am sure you can identify with me, if you didn't know why you were left behind to others [I know Kong Kong and Po Po loved me very much but they were my grandparents], without an answer as to why - indefinitely not knowing is just hurtful. You keep telling me that I should act as Christ would, as our daily teachings tell us to live life as God would have...the reason you told me that you don't speak with my dad is because he could not be with one [woman and/or marriage]. How can I have compassion? As one of his children, all I really longed for was an answer. My mother still stands by her answer: "Your dad could fix anything" or "He was such a wonderful man" well where the hell is this wonderful man? I know she [my mother] worked very hard for my so-called Christian education. I have gone to a Christian school almost my whole lifetime. The sacrifices they [my parents] made are in vain. Here I am, a mother, a wife. My own child does not know Christ, nor does my husband. But they continue to support me in the best interests of my daily decisions. I do not feel as if I should force religion on them as it was forced on me. I know that in the end, it was good for me...the duration, I was spiteful.

hmm...should this be something I should say to my aunt?