just another day...

Just another Monday...isn't there a song with that phrase as a chorus? I have a full week ahead of me, also the fact that taxes are due Wednesday. I need to file for an extension, but I have yet to gather all my numbers together. Wonderful, huh? We have had some good and bad news. One of our cars was hit and will probably be "totaled" I'm not too sure if that is good news at all. But now we are down to one car. It was just a long weekend. Easter: our annual egg hunt was successful and both dogs seemed full afterwards. Our older dog was slow on the egg hunt this year, hopefully it doesn't mean his time is limited, right? We did watch Marley & Me and my daughter cried at the end. Everything was due to natural causes and it wasn't like something tragic happened. My daughter played for two teams this past weekend. She played for the freshman team and the JV team. Tuesday there are two games, but one is far away and one is at home. I'm not sure which one she will play and if she will skip her symphony practice. Everything is kind of up in the air right at this moment. My daughter is getting a used clarinet from her symphony. It is such a blessing because we have needed one for such a long time now.

Weather Changes

The weather has officially changed. It definitely has affected me and how much I have been doing. I just can't do things that I would love to do or even just get things done that I regularly do. I feel my bones are aching. My feet have had some upset spasms.

What does life really have to offer? I wanted and tried so hard to be here at this moment and what am I really doing? I know that I have been told that it is because my family will need me. I know that my family could survive. I always get so depressed during times when I don't feel well and this is just an extension of how I am feeling.

I am still awaiting the decision on disability. But it definitely sounded from their own expert that there wasn't a chance that I could be turned down. I guess I should be hopeful. I'm a young person on the outside, but from within...I feel like I'm 80 years old.

missing

Right now I am missing my grandma. I talked with her earlier for a few minutes [as usual]. I just missed visiting with her. I went to the asian market today to pick up a few items and so many things reminded me of her!! My life is just so crazy right now with my daughter and my doctor appointments. I have left my wife duty as my last duty. Will I pay for that?? I am sure in time. My husband continues to support me, but sometimes I feel like he may be bitter because I am no longer working. There are days were I just can't get myself out of the house. I get scared. I get scared of the unknown or the known. Sometimes knowing too much is hurtful. I just need to take a moment and breathe, right? I hear my daughter whining in the background as she begs her father to take her somewhere [probably sonic]. Good thing we only have one child because I can't imagine two whining children. As my mind is being so random...what do I get my grandma? Her birthday is coming up this week. I want to send her a card, but I can't finish one thing. I just start projects and leave it right smack in the middle. Is this an ongoing obsession? Yes, it is. I need to fix it or else my life will just end up as an ongoing project of many nothings.

out and about...

Today, I was out and about. My daughter and I went out to meet up with her friends and their families. My daughter passed out. I'm tired, but I'm still up, trying to get un-tense. I did some walking, well maybe a lot of walking.

I just took benadryl and had lots and lots of salad. What if I am allergic to salad? It could be my salad dressing?? I don't understand why it is so hard for me just to eat?

Tomorrow is Boulder Boulder. Thousands of people from everywhere come to participate in such an activity. It was very crowded. This was the first time I didn't take xanex to deal with the masses of people. I think that's an improvement.

Thank you for a good day :)

too many?

How many diagnoses does a person need? As much as they ask for? For as many symptoms as they have? I just know that I have many, to the point that sometimes I can't remember all of them. I know for sure that I can't recall all of the medications I have taken or even tried. I want to know why: (a) an answer; (b) the patient will stop harassing; (c) have no clue? The money that is spent on health care is amazing. I can't even begin to tell you how much I have spent. Especially on medications. Were they really necessary? I was surviving at one point without any medication, now I have a whole cabinet full of medications that I am supposed to be taking. The only way that I have found to get off a medication, is to just stop it myself. Say, "oops, I forgot." And I have survived. But others...(my doctors) say that if I stop, that I will die. Can they be ever so blunt? That my life counted on several mixes of pills depending on what kind of symptoms. I am allergic to what seems like EVERYTHING. I see specialists in all kinds of fields and yet it is never enough. The testing...has to be the worse. Yes, for one, two, etc. You will need this to fix this, that, etc. I am so fatigued. But I can't rest. My anxiety overcomes me. And here I am, blogging. I have pain medications, but I don't want to take it because my bowels are bad enough as it is. I have lidocaine and frankly, it is just GROSS. I've done many nasty things for treatment, but this is just insane. Taking the multiple laxatives...stool softeners...enimas...high fiber diet...nothing works.

cupcakes!!

I want my daughter to make cupcakes for her BF. She says I'm pushy, I know I am pushy, but it is so cute. I'm such the romantic type. I guess since I've already passed the "romance" stage in my life...maybe I'm trying to re-live it through my daughter. Actually, if my husband wasn't in a foul mood, then maybe we would have more romance. But other than that...He took us out for breakfast today & it was ok, except I got sick right when I got home. I guess I knew it was coming because I didn't really want anything to eat. I just got fruit. I do, however, want to cut up this watermelon that I bought yesterday. It is already HOT today. I can't imagine it getting hoter. I think that I would be miserable!!

a SAD moment

Last night, my family and I just hanging out in the master bedroom. My husband just got dog food and new toys for the boys. Thai left his baby somewhere in the house --Max's baby was in our room. He [Max] looked sad. He didn't play with his toy, nor the ball that was right there, but just walked right past it and laid on the ground. Thai on the other hand, was playing with Max's toy, amusing himself. I just realized that Max was getting old. He was even acting old. I had him get on the bed with me and my husband, but he wouldn't chipper up. He laid down next to my husband, looking very sad.

I'm scared of my reaction if anything happens to Max. I want to take him to the vet, but I am also scared of getting news, if any. He is almost 7 years old, but he is a large dog.

Father's Day...

Father's Day is over rated right? Everyone has a mother, but not everyone has a father. Or at least for me. I had a father, I talked to him and see he randomly when I was young. I haven't seen my father in over 13 years. Am I angry? Maybe? I don't even know what to say...not having a father presence in my life...did it really make a difference? Yes, it did...I'm paranoid, afraid of being abadoned...etc. My outlook on men ~ isn't all that either...the feeling that they are "useless" seriously comes to mind.

Yeah...the A/C is FIXED!!

I finally went to bed...got up early and called at 8 a.m., then by 10 a.m. the repairman was at my house & by noon he was done and it was fixed. Oh yes, for a price though. It did cut into my father's day budget. Oh well, I am sure my husband can't be too disappointed. I tried, right? I got him another flat screen tv. Since he broke the other one...and we just can't see on the really small t.v. that we are currently using and the wall just looks BAD. Also, I don't want to encourage his BAD behavior. Oh well, my daughter and I put it in the basement. Hopefully, father's day this year won't be sooo bad.

I went to my friend's baby's baptismal. Well technically I missed the baptism because of the repairman, so I made it to the potluck. Oooh, I love babies, but only for so long, hee:) They are so cute and cuddly, then they grow up.

I am SUPER tired today, but I am trying not to sleep too early. I have been all weird all week long. Trying to take all of my meds, which reminds me that I almost forgot to take all of my medication today. It was so dumb, I had to turn around and go back home to have my daughter get them.

I think maybe I am spending too much time with my daughter and her boyfriend. I am like their third wheel. I kind of intervene in their conversations, etc. I need to find a life?? Technically, I do have a busy life, I just multitask, ontop of each and other thing that I am doing. Why can't I relax? I'm probably going to hurt myself before I ever slow down.

Voilitile?

Okay, my husband has not taken his anti - depressants for the day and basically had a VERY short temper. To the point of destroying our flat screen tv. Yes, he get crazy. He always breaks the expensive stuff I just paid the sucker off too which pisses me off BIG time. But what am I to do now?

He was mad for numerous things:

1) he claims that I yelled at him for turning off the DVD player in the middle of my movie, which I did do.

2) that our daughter has done none of her chores and went over to a friends house; oh and he tried to slide in there that I am encouraging her "boyfriend" relationship. Okay, even if I could call it a boyfriend relationship, they are more like pals than anything.

3) I finally told him why I let his sister come over earlier. She has been having troubles with her ex-boyfriend, a/k/a LAZY bum. He apparently was supposed to go to Kansas City, but ended up getting arrested and brought to the Aurora jail for an outstanding warrant for a DUI/ I said how can he get a DUI when he doesn't even have a car? Apparently, maybe it was when he had a car? We have no idea - compulsive LIAR.

My husband went over to my sister-in-law's place and we have been calling her, but she has not been answering. We don't know why or what? But she knows that we are supposed to come over to get the TV to bring back here. But as I have let my husband know more about the situation, he's PISSED, to say the least. I hope she's okay and isn't hurt -- b/c she always picks up her cell phone or if she misses it, she'll call right back.

I have yet to hear from my daughter who is at a girlfriend's house, just hanging. My daughter wants to go to Water World and we are trying to make it happen. But we'll see how this all works out. I thought a mass of her friends could come along or we could just have me and the bf's mom as chaparones with our kids there?? I don't know...I'm not sure of anything anymore. Who knows if this relationship will outlast the summer? Although, I can see it being pretty cool to start the new year off, as where it ended. So I assume - she's taken. She thinks the school dances are gay, but maybe the Night at the Rec might be more interesting??

I just want to see her happy and enjoying her time :)

a rough evening, TGIF

I'm not exactly sure why...but I really had a rough evening. I took a hot bath right before bed and fell sleep in the bathtub. I have never had that happen before?? Good thing I didn't drown. I could barely wake up to get out of the bathtub and into bed. I finally got into bed and fell asleep, then woke up at 1:00 a.m., 3:00 a.m. & 5:00 a.m. I'd have to say I was pretty much restless. I finally went back to bed and woke up at 7:30 a.m. Umm...needless to say, I was a little late for work. I wasn't that late because I just decided to throw on clothes and just go. I am wearing my glasses today and just ended up braiding my hair [which seems to be more common] these days.

While I was sleeping, not sure if I was dreaming or not...but one of the times I mentioned earlier...I woke up to check on my phone. I guess it was beeping, but it was far from the bed. Apparently, someone left a voicemail on it. It was my whacko uncle - just to tell me that I spelled something wrong in our monthly family newsletter. OMG! Why couldn't he just email it? Well when I checked my email, he did also email it. Umm...Okay, I'll make sure to put out a redaction! Sometimes I swear...I have no idea what is running through these people's minds. Unless you are dying...please don't try to call after 10 and if you aren't dying, don't leave a message either! Yes it is my own fault. I should just put the damn phone on silent...I guess because I fell asleep earlier than usual...I didn't quite prepare anything.

My husband is driving me insane! I guess he has been having troubles with one of his toys, his motorcycle to be more specific. Ugh! It has been a BIG cause towards his depression. It is so easy for him to get depressed over such little things. The motorcycle is getting fixed at the dealership under warranty. All he has to do is wait. I guess patience was not one of his virtues.

I had to get out for lunch. So a co-worker and I went to the 7th floor and sat outside. It was a little overcast, but we sat and chatted. I guess I didn't realize how I was frying myself outside. Now my face, skin and just every little things hurts. The sun feels like it drains all of my energy from my body. I have two more hours to go before it is time to go home...hurry...hurry...please!!

Saturday

I made it through the evening, really tired. We got up and got ready for church. We went to church and it was a LONG church service, not only to find out that my pastor was being replaced by a pastor visiting...he is currently working at Loma Linda. We went to say "happy sabbath" and both him and his wife seemed "cold." I don't know, maybe it was just us? My aunt and uncle sat right next to us across the aisle. After the service, we said a short "hello" and then "goodbye" -- my aunt disappears as usual. Then we were off to go to the Farmer's Market. Soon we found out there was a big celebration happening, I guess for Memorial Day and it looked really crowded and we were [very] hungry. So we decided to go to Olive Garden. Food always comes out very promptly and it is priced just right. We stuffed ourselves...calling my husband like crazy and he wasn't answering, apparently he was looking for parking for the last thirty minutes. OMG. We weren't even there. So I told him to come over to Olive Garden to eat with us...his motorcycle wouldn't start. I don't know what the heck is wrong with it...but I had to go pick him up. Ugh! I was in such a bad mood that I couldn't even see him. I was having another migrane [which seems to be very common these days]. I took lots of meds and picked him up & brought him to Olive Garden. Then I had drive us to the ourdoor mall to do a little shopping, but I was feeling really bad - bad enough that my daughter and girlfriend had to bring out the wheelchair and we all know how much I love to ride around in it. We did a little and went back to the house, now laying around, watching "happy feet". Everyone is cold, except for me. I'm having a hot flash [I think?]

Today, I got myself a book or devotional my daughter had suggested . . . "worn out" how appropriate?? I feel so tired...but my friend will be leaving for Saipan soon and I want to be able to spend time together.

I hate being SICK!

Yesterday afternoon, was a bittersweet afternoon. As I was driving home, I called my pharmacist to see if one of my scripts were ready for pickup. Indeed it was, so I said I would swing by to pick it up. I went over to the grocery store to pick it up and thought, why NOT? Do some grocery shopping and pick up a few "need me" items. So I did. I got a call from my husband about going to the mall to get his [Oakley] sunglasses fixed. I said fine. I talked with my pharmacist who basically told me it was my surrounding . . . as to why I was sick. Was I wiping everything down? We needed to all be seperated and sheets changed, no sharing of towels or anything else! I came home, furious [to say the least]. I dunno, but it just got to me that my family would intentionally not care that they are sharing germs with me. I am immunosuppressed [as if that is new news]. I think I was just pissed off and tired of being SICK.

I took all the sheets off, had my daughter help me turn the mattress over, febreezed and/or lysol sprayed everything down -- until it was a little bit of an overkill. I had her wash the bedspread in HOT water. Knowing my husband, washing everything together, not in hot, not killing the germs. I was ANGRY.

Anyhow, I've started my day out with throwing up blood and mucus balls [yellow]. My daughter had to help me because I was just bleeding all over the place to the point of no control. I ended up taking a TON of pills, avoiding the antibiotics like the plague, because we all know what happens when you have to take antibiotics and you are already immunosuppressed...you get sicker. If I take the antibiotics, I will end up with a yeast infection, which would mean anti-fungals. Yes, my life is lovely. My husband, being resentful, stayed in a separate room last night...left early for work...didn't bother to help with my pills, so my daughter ended up doing them. I was late for work [again]. Considering I just got a talk yesterday about the accuracy of my time sheets and how my schedule is NEVER the same. Apparently, this is an ongoing problem, and they are actually pulling times off my card which tells them when I enter the building [so retarded]. Plus, our dress code will go into effect, of course, I am non-compliant [again], but what's new?

I went through my mail yesterday, found bills [yes, lovely assortment]. It was bills for medical appointments [that just seemed like a waste of time]. One was because they had billed the wrong insurance company. I had been to see them before and they had billed the correct one, now they are reverting and billing an old one? Another one [totally ridiculous] billed for four office visits in one day? So I would owe four copays [nice, huh?]. I spent my morning, calling, faxing, etc. I have no idea if they will get it right. They always ask for your insurance card at the beginning of a medical visit, that's how they got the co-pay amount. I'm not sure what they do with all those copies [throw them out?].

I got a text message this morning from my close friend. Her dad had a stroke last night and they were still in the emergency room. OMG, this is so surreal. I tried to call her to see if they were all okay and if he was going to be okay. She had to hang up on me, so I called her cousin to see what was happening. They were waiting for a room to open up so they could move him from the emergency room up to a floor. I hope he will be okay.

what is [for]EVER?

What is the word, Forever, mean? Neverending...long time...why do we take things forgranted? I guess so we can learn from our mistakes? I'm not sure...but I am so confused about what I am supposed to be doing with myself these days. Yesterday, I almost wanted to quit my job. What was I thinking? I have a family that depends on me and my income, not to mention my health issues that drain everything out of both my husband and I.

Actually, if you really thought about it, calculated it, it would be better if I was dead than ALIVE. Strangely enough, I'm still here. I probably won't be going anywhere for a LONG time. I am sick. I got sick as my "mother's day" present! My daughter has been sick since before her birthday party, gave it to all her friends, then proceeded to give it to my husband, who also gave it to his co-workers, then finally comes down to me. I'm losing my voice. I feel terrible as it is . . . and on top of that . . . [yes, there is more] work really SUCKS! I feel like a little child, because someone watches me, every moment, minute of the day, to see what the heck I'm doing, whether it be in the bathroom or what not, my supposed job [I assume?] is to sit at my desk all day and answer the phones. Well it rang once in an hour. So it must mean we get incessant phone calls, right? Nope, just some people don't want to answer the phone. Then I get dumped on because an older secretary just dumps things on me when she doesn't feel like doing it, but when I first came, she made it very clear that I was to stay away from her work - at all costs. So [i'm confused] a little. I don't care...I just do it anyway. I hate how we have to report every little thing, as if we can't talk to each other. How old are we? Apparently, we aren't [OLD] grown up enough. Maybe I am missing something? You never know...

I took a nap today for lunch. Yes, I was feeling that great. I'm now taking Mucinex DM, Nyquil & my regular meds. My left shoulder is killing me so I put a lidocain [lidoderm] patch on it, but it still aches. The weather changed [20 degree difference] so my body is adjusting. My body hates it [frankly]. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired [is there such a thing?].

Overwhelmed with the constant aches and pains, what is considered real anymore? Will this really be forever? God, I hope not. What I would give to be normal again? That does sound a bit scary [flashbacks from demon possessed movies]. Would I really give up my soul? Maybe? Nah! I would rather not. All I want is some rest, respect and life to continue on . . .

My husband says that I [always] refer to only my feelings. Yes, I am sure I do. But I hurt...why is it only me? Why is it me? I feel bad that he has to deal with it, I also feel bad that my daughter does too. So does everyone have to suffer because I am?

Now I am coughing, almost to the point where I hurt. Is this considered normal? Probably not, but I am tired of this merry-go-round with the doctors. I'm tired of medications that give no relief. I'm just [plainly] tired.

Tonight I shaint be cooking dinner - it will be either Ramen Noodles or frozen pizza. Or maybe fast food [NO]. Probably make me even more sick than I am already.

I got an IM message this morning from my husband's sister just to say HI. I didn't want to say anything substantial back [because I just don't want to know], so she didn't say much back. I know her ex [bf] came back from Kansas City, because my husband saw him at Blockbuster yesterday. You can't miss the dude! I already told her that if she couldn't deal wtih this situation the first time around, that I would [NOT] help her, she would have to go directly to her brother. As if I don't have enough drama on my own that I need to deal with her loser bf, that has no job, lies [ALL] the time about everything! I can't even figure out what is real anymore.

My uncle sent me an email this morning about his events. I've been too sick to even keep up with that [drama] episode. I'm tired of hearing everyone's drama. I need a vacation from self. Note to self: Take a vacation!

My best friend from high school is coming out to see me soon. It will be her 30th birthday. I don't know if we will be able to do anything, we are both broke and she is a missionary, so she doesn't make much anymore. I can't really go anywhere and enjoy myself these days. Plus, I am depressed, I think because of my job. I don't want her visit here to be "gloomy" because I am in a [horrid] mood. Who knows, things could change? Yea right!

It is [even] gloomy outside. Just like I feel inside. Please don't say this will be forever, please!

Senile or Perfectly Normal?

My maternal grandma died at a ripe old age of almost 95 (to be exact, two months before she turned). She had no significant health problems, just the fact that she suffered from dimentia. My paternal grandfather died in 1989, as I have no recollection as to what he died from . . . it almost seems surreal. I went to his funeral, several years since I have last seen him . . . saw my paternal grandma, as she glared at me for not coming sooner, apparently, as he was dying, he asked for me. I had no idea . . . I was abandoned by my mother to them at the young age of two. I continued to live with them full time until I was seven years old. When my mother came back for me, she took me to live with her, but did not get along with my father's parents . . . so she would encourage me to visit them, but then again, would say she wouldn't stay, she would drop me off and come back for me. In the back of my mind, I am thinking she is going to leave me again. Why can't she stay with me? So I never went back to visit them after my mother came back for me. I never got the chance to know my father. He was what we would call a "play boy", having many mistresses...and I find out it that I was conceived as a last attempt to save their so-called marriage. Yes, my life - is real time Soap Opera. Sometimes I do and continue to refer to my life as the Neverending Saga. Maybe it is my imagination that BAD things happen to me and when I am down, I always get kicked even further down. What have I done to deserve all of this? My husband believes in kharma, as for me? I am not sure what I believe it...if it is kharma, then I must've been a cruel person.

Teen Drama, real "trauma" [maybe]

I'm not sure what "teen drama" should be considered...is it real, life threatening, enough to get a restraining order? Apparently, these are the tunes of today's "teen drama" life. Or how I managed to find that out with my new teen. Well she was a tween since...is it 10 or 11? But anyhow, I used to brush it under the carpet, when she would tell me stories, that would seem almost unbelievable -- then it was apparent, one day, that I needed to pay more attention and treat it as a real threat. I guess in the limited time that I have been away from school, I tend to forget how mean some children may tend to be and where does the boundary stop? Apparently, it doesn't, until a restraining order or police or even more involved? Strangely enough you would never think of police and a young teen? I guess not in the suburbs, but it could be anywhere. Some of the stories were so flagrant, that I would tell her, no would ever believe that story, are you sure it's true? She said, these are rumors fluctuating around school. We live in a little suburb -- outside of Denver, Colorado. The town consists of five square miles and most of us, pretty much stay in the little town . . . until we move or something, so if you go to the store or anywhere, be prepared to see someone you know. We have our own fire station, police department and the usuals that come with a town. I guess that's the decieving part . . . the usuals with a town is typically minor, but with the currency of time, I guess you should be prepared for anything.

Apparently, since I'm not that old, maybe naive, probably, I remember the kids as just playing random jokes on people, experimenting with makeup and playing games. Now the seriousness has entered the next frontier . . . today's life, with school shootings becoming something more common. What is wrong with today's society that we have to take out our aggression in a place that was referred to as a safe place? Nothing is considered safe, not even home. Today, I got an email from the school district of where my daughter attends. Apparently, this morning, a cafeteria worker saw (possibly) two people, dressed in camoflauge and wearing ski masks. The school was immediately put on lockdown, while the police did a thorough search of the school. As parents, we were notified, that if your child was en route to school, that you are to immediately pick up your child at a different location, where they were relocating - while the school is being searched. School is anticipated to return to it's normal schedule by tomorrow morning. This is something usually more prevelant in big cities. Now we are faced with it in smaller communties more than ever. There is no safe place anymore. While at work, I found myself reading articles about children and your teens, new technology out there to locate them, find out what they are talking about, if they are drinking, how fast is someone driving, it almost seems unreal. We must have lost all trust between both parents and kids in general.

I worry if our parenting techniques are good enough. What is good enough? In today's society, you want to prepare your child, but also protect them, or simply keep them safe. How do I know when I over stepped my boundaries as a parent or if I am not involved enough? I guess we don't really know, but learn from other's experiences, our own experiences and the search (if you choose to go on).

I guess I think about that evening of my daughter's party, where I got to talk to a couple of girls, where the enlightened me about the "cutting" and use of pot at school. This is middle school, right? I guess some things you just think can't happen to you, but then you are probably the group it affects the most. I didn't even know what "cutting" was until I watched a show on cable . . . about teenage kids who cut themselves to feel good. I just can't imagine someone feeling good about hurting themselves, watching their blood, flowing away from them. Killing themselves is more like another "drama" event. It is either taken very seriously or very lightly, some use it as attention grabbers, others truly mean it.

The kids have drama everyday, usually about something really insignificant...like someone looked at me weird, and I think she hates me, or something related along those lines. If there is a day without drama, it's a good day. The kids bring it out or proportion and seriously, who really cares? Over cautious parents? Other kids?

Today is World Lupus Day. My support group will have a release of balloons at 7 tonight. I am unsure if I will be able to make it today. I haven't been able to sleep very well because (frankly) my daughter has been sleeping with us [right inbetween me and my husband], which didn't seem unusual at first, but then became more frequent. I guess my husband and I didn't really notice, until a few days after that it affected both of us, we just were customarily used to sleeping in the same bed -- as if it is a security blanket and anything that messes with your personal security blanket, well isn't taken lightly. I had an awfully long bloody nose today. I texted my husband that I wasn't feeling all to fluffy today. I also took an extra five milligrams of Prednisone because I really felt worn.

I've survived (I think?)

Since it has been a couple of weeks since I have logged on and blogged, I am hoping that I am recouperating well. The party turned out great! Everyone showed up...altho, I do remember it being much easier to control them - and there was only 8 including my daughter! Our rooms connected and we had both doors open at all times.

Wow - I underestimated the food. I got them 4 large pizzas and 1 medium one - gone! The cake [posted above] was amazing, made by one of my co-workers - gone! We had brownies - gone! Cookies, chips, snacks, soda - gone! They didn't sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. I didn't take my sleeping medications because I wanted to be somewhat coherent, just in case.

It was so strange, but I got up at 4ish and talked to two girls (I barely remember), they were on a sofa bed just by the door talking about death, faith & God. It was strange that they were talking about and even more strangely, there was a bible there to refer to. I guess one of the girls had brought it because she had to leave early the next morning for her bible classes. It happened to be a Good News Bible, which is exactly the bible I used growing up. Later, I found out that one of the girls that I was speaking to that early morning - her cousin just committed suicide. I guess her mom told her that if we do commit suicide that we still go to heaven and when God returns he is to destroy earth. I said you have been misconceived. I [think] we looked it up in Revelation. Then the girls went on to tell me things that I have just been totally unaware of...how girls in school cut themselves [and say it feels good] and covers it with bracelets and stuff like that. I had no idea that they did this?? Also, another conversation I had was the others smoked pot. I guess - we had other intentions when I was middle school and it had more to do with the opposite sex then trying to hurt yourself...I guess it seems like the need for attention. I don't totally recall the whole conversation, but was reminded by my daugther. She told me that her friends said they talked to me early in the morning. If I could remember more, I would like to talk to their parents, but would I ruin their confidence in me?

Another issue . . . some boy at school has been basically [almost] harassing my daughter, especially this last week, till the point where she cried. I had to call the school and deal with the principal and the assistant principal. Apparently, he called her a lesbian and started making fun of her. She had chosen to advocate for gay and/or lesbian rights. She had already talked to me and my husband for the last few months and we said that you could believe in whatever you feel strongly and/or passionate about, it's okay, we live in a free country, right? So she was telling her friend at school about her mission to support gay rights, this other little boy was just listening in and starting calling her a lesbian...then in the hallways the same thing, they got pulled aside and talked to by the math teacher and both were asked to think of a punishment they BOTH deserved for talking to each other this way. My daughter felt it unfair because she had not said anything to him. He claimed that she called him "gay", which she said she did not. Of course, I talk to my husband about it...and I said, you should just ignore him. She said she has been ignoring him...this apparently was not the first time this boy has harassed her. She told me a few weeks ago...they were playing a game, she choose to be the color "black". Well, he thought it was funny that she wanted to be "black" and started all these rumors at school that "Sam wants to be black". She ignored that...but I guess this really put her over the edge. Most of my friends...just push it off as the boy liking her...but it really upsetted her that she can't believe in something without judgment. We deal with this a lot because I have Lupus...people don't understand that you don't have to look sick to feel sick and she has experienced this first hand...which btw makes her upset too.

Love?

Ok, why am I asking myself what is love? Shouldn't I already know the meaning of it? I guess there are many different interpretations of love, but throughout the years, it seems more about sacrifice, than love. Love of how a person looks, financial standing, etc. How much would you be willing to sacrifice? What would be most imporant to you as an individual. We all say that we love each other, we love our friends, we love everyone, but do we really mean it? Just because you are related to someone does that mean you are obligated to love that person? Love to me is a personal search for happiness.

Yes, I was madly in love [or whatever I think love is]. I have loved so many, but did I really? Now that I am older and wiser, was it more a control issue, infatuation, stability? The "what if?" question comes to mind. Now, what if I did this or that? But I didn't. I took the hardest road. I am not sure why. As I understand [thru upbringing, that God ultimately has a plan for us], or my family would say [social standing, stability, looks, etc.], which seem so mediocre, for a person that you will have to [supposedly] spend the rest of your life with. According to the national average, approximately 50% of ALL marriages survive. My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. We totally love each other [or at least it seems very much that way]. I think we love each other more than we did when we first got together. To be honest, I didn't even love him. I was engaged and madly in love with another man. Many years later, I professed my love to him, now he is married and in love with the woman...he kind of put on hold when I came into his life. We had a spiritual connection. Most people believed he was just infactuated with me, but I truly loved him, just scared. In my heart, I have also held his heart deep in my heart. I finally tell him many years later...& basically almost break my own family b/c of feelings I've had from my youth of over a decade ago.

Why am I asking myself this question? I have no idea? I must be bored or something?

Our family is somewhat stable. Financially, I have nothing that I need. I hate going to the doctors, in which I spent lots of money on...I finally went shopping yesterday. First time in a LONG time, which is a rarity for me. I used to shop every other day, never wearing an outfit twice. Ok, so my upbringing is nothing compared to normal. I have the weirdest experiences, life just flashed right by me, as quickly as it came...it leaves...maybe that's why I experienced so much in such little time. Who knows?

My Neurologist Appointment Today

I had to see Dr. Ginsberg today, after my appointment with him, they managed to get me in to see Dr. Charney (Rheumatologist) tomorrow. I have a Cytoxan treatment on Friday and probably have to see Dr. Klein (Neprhologist), but I really don't want to. BTW, I did find out that I was taking the wrong dose of Keppra. I was supposed to take 2000 mg a day, not 1000 mg. I also got Lidocaine patches. Oh and I also have the damn cream. How much lidocaine does a person need again?

Did I tell you how much I hate Access-a-Ride? It was awful. There were days where I would be on the bus for more than 2 hours. It was exhausting...I had to take more medications and was more uncomfortable than I had ever been. Other than that, it would be the total opposite, I would be at work in less than 20 minutes...feeling sick and nausea all the time. My left foot was hurting, so I had to wrap it and use a damn cane. Then it moved up to my inner leg and I had to wrap that up and use a cane. Now my hip hurts. What the hell?

On Friday, I totally lost my mind. I had it with work, they were upset that I was 15 minutes late, even though I was picked up at 6:15 a.m. and live less than 19 miles away from work. The workplace didn't want to hear the excuse, but then they complained because I used the business line right away (to make a complaint to RTD), so they categorize it as "personal" use. Oh brother!! Yea, it was dumb. I left early, had my husband come and pick me up and cried all the way home. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I haven't been feeling too good, but then again the fact that I just want to be "normal" is killing me!

My daughter is turning the B-I-G 13!!

Where did the years go? She will officially become a "teenager" on the 25th of April. With all of my health issues right now, we have cancelled our trip to Hawaii. Now, we are in the process of planning her big BASH! Well there were a couple of options that did come up, but we are trying to stay within a budget (which rarely happens) but since I have been seeing a doctor every other day...well we are on limited funds.

She acts like a little girl (sometimes), but other times, she is as mature as an adult?? Who'd thought? My little girl...all grown up. Her father would beg to differ. As much as he would love to keep her a small child, I don't think it's hit him yet that she is growing up. Funny, huh?