In the end, I finally got SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance), thank you God! It just took almost two years to get it done. Now I am finally on Medicare, and that is another story that I shall write about because it is a crazy system! I am a young person that can understand pretty much any written information. But going through the Medicare & You is a joke for an elderly person to do. I could barely grasp it after three weeks of investigating. Since I am in poor health, I have to get supplemental insurance, a/k/a medigap. Wow, the salesmen and the crazy calls and how many times that they call you until you finally make a decision and even then they still try anyway. My own family could not get a hold of me because I was on the phone so much that even my phone died and I had to put it on the charger station so that I can still listen and make comments. I swear it is like they are all after your soul!!
Enough of that...I promise to go through my craziness in another blog. Now that I am home. I have started to feel so much better. But don't get me wrong, I have my days, weeks...and so on...there are times that I don't even leave the second floor for maybe a week. When I do feel better, I can schedule to do one thing that day. Adding other things will just stress me out and my body isn't going to like and will let me know it!!! I have pain meds and stuff, but then I don't want to be the person that just looks like a zombie and it is questionable if I even know what I am doing or what others are saying to me. I am totally different. That strong woman has disappeared. I am scared and now it is to the point that I can't be really left alone. It greaks me out. I know that I have dogs and stuff, but I worry about home invasions a lot. I am home about 95% of my time and watching the news is not something you should watch when you are alone. These days, news is just BAD news. I have been really depressed and wonder if I will ever come out of it. I wonder if I am going to spend my life on three anti-depressants to keep me going. I am so insecure. I lean on my husband for everything, but - don't get me wrong. He is a good man. But is more of a monetary person, where I would love to spend the money and travel and enjoy our time going ANYWHERE. He would love to just buy a gigantic TV. It is pretty sad...I don't take a shower without him and if it has been a while since I got a shower, a bath would be necessary. Then I would have to have him be with me. I'm scared to be left alone. At this point, I am not even washing my own hair. Is that weird? Apparently not, because I was watching TV on People's Weirdest Addictions. That stuff is pretty intense. I guess my abandonment keeps reminding me that any day, my husband won't come home. We have been fighting about little things. And one of our new Years Resolution was to fight less. It is only January 6th. Yeah we are making progress on that one. Yeah Right!!! Then there is my daughter. I feel bad when my husband dumps everything on her shoulders to take care ofme when he needs to do something or go somewhere. I feel for her burden and I know that this isn't what a 17 year old wants to deal with. Unable to hang out with her friends, etc. breaks my heart. But I can't have everything, right? I just wont to prosper like everyone else about life. I need my husband at all times. He makes sure that all of my medicines are put out and to feed me and has to give me my medicine with food every morning. Some days, He's such a wonderful man. But most days, I feel the resentment. It is so thick, I swear I could cut it with a butter knife. I know his life can't be all wonderful, but we didn't know that this was going to happen. We just have to deal with things as best as we possibly can, right?