Trying to keep up with technology has really left me behind . . . and, I basically forgot. I just relate it to +lupus fog. I am really going to make an attempt to keep up. I've been doing pretty well lately, although I have to admit being away from the hospital makes me feel strange (now that's very freaky!). Now how many people can say that? It is pretty darn disfiguring for a woman like me to actually admit that type of vulnerability. Here I am, sitting on my couch, trying to watch TV on a Wednesday evening . . . "The Americans" is the show currently on the tube. Keeping me warm is my old pal, the gentle petting 'feeling' of the universal language of touch, I can't believe how long he's been my pal. Initially, when diagnosed with 'Lupus' or 'mixed connective (?) tissue' disease, I didn't have my old pal and I'm reminiscing after having my Cytoxan intravenously, being home (supposedly resting), alone- I wept. The unconditional love like the innocence of a child, one day that I aspire to learn from . . . why do humans feel threatened by compassion [or love] when it is the natural feeling? I wonder if there's too much detail that our physicians let us know: maybe I'm experiencing psychosis? I almost don't know how much is too much, as to tell our loved ones, as to tell our physicians and/or therapist? First, we are told that our body has betrayed itself, we are told to expel our inner most feelings (thoughts/physically) so our physicians can continue to give us the help or nurture (or basically drug us to death!). Depending on what wording we choose to use with our physicians they'll either have us admitted & drugged or just write you off as a 'hypochondriac,' when a patient is labeled as a 'hypochondriac' their complaints [which is what I learned from working in all areas of running a private practice] I had intend to become a R.N. (registered nurse) when I initially graduated from high school. I never thought of myself of being anything more than administrative and nothing more [being compliant] like a wife, mother & friend. Perhaps- I had already known that my mind was not meant to be more than an assistant and/or secretary. What a waste of a brilliant mind, why give me a photographic memory, a need (appeal) to research every little thing, even if it meant to be nothing [like handling your anxieties (information)] when learning medical terminology, ICD codes, billing (procedure w/individuals that have insurance whether there is a primary or secondary or private pay or reimbursement. Knowing all of this information before being diagnosed, which has kept me more informed/educated decisions. I hated the 'threatened' feelings of when an emergency arises and it is a matter of minutes to make life long [amazing chemistry of giving life] decisions. When pregnant at 16 the ignorance of a 'young adult' mind, having a high-risk pregnancy . . . knowledge of our child's position [whether it affected 'breast milk'], that she was breach and there wasn't any time to think, if I should have general anesthesia, if there was [wasn't any] time, I had fully dilated and no one had paid any attention (just because I said I didn't need a wheelchair) maybe because I had experienced a life (of its entirety) long parental absence [it DOES make a difference as to 'how much?'] maybe if there was guidance/education of sex, the toll of the decision, what type of emotions aspired. Giving birth has nothing as to the 'mental' decision of losing your virginity to someone that isn't taking the type of commitment as you are (thinking to yourself) boys can make life, choose gender, and the decision of life [termination, adoption or the costs] that you are making for yourself and the unborn fetus. Just like the decisions or desires of treatment of your disease . . . we were at the hospital as signing away our life (there was no 'informed' decision as to whether we should harvest my eggs, that treatment will leave you sterile?). I could've fulfilled my dream to at least have more children if I chose to or if we, my 'husband and I' felt that we would want a child that shared our a part (DNA) from each of us to make one whole life. If only I was more informed of what the future held for me, as a woman (whether I give birth) the kinship of that love 'closeness' physically/mentally that you are as 'one' with your fetus for approximately 9 months, the re-shaping, that my 'hips' could hold another beating heart, that whatever we chose to eat or do (exposure to second hand smoke or just 'smoking' in general) the effects [let us know that our fetus and I are as 'one'] that eating strawberries or that getting the 'right' or full nutrition value. What if I decided to just have French fries, donuts, 'frozen dinners' (would you want your child that has parts of you and the boy's 'sperm' that fertilized your egg) eating? Can we tell that it officially had a 'mental' imprint on my mind some twenty years later? It is all about the information that our research let us 'educate' ourselves.

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