boys...

I know that one day my daughter will have to deal with boys on her own. I finally owned up and really admitted that I liked her boyfriend. He was good for her, actually they were good for each other. Much in common. I realized that when I was her age, I was dating...rebelling...picking boys that I definitely would not want my daughter to be hanging out with. I always had a streak for the really bad boys. And I guess my innocent self always got the extremes. I know that she is very different than me, hopefully she won't make the same decisions I did. Sometimes I wish she would get back together with her ex-boyfriend and I wouldn't have to worry about her so much.

I guess I need to just deal with life. It isn't always what we expected.

out and about...

Today, I was out and about. My daughter and I went out to meet up with her friends and their families. My daughter passed out. I'm tired, but I'm still up, trying to get un-tense. I did some walking, well maybe a lot of walking.

I just took benadryl and had lots and lots of salad. What if I am allergic to salad? It could be my salad dressing?? I don't understand why it is so hard for me just to eat?

Tomorrow is Boulder Boulder. Thousands of people from everywhere come to participate in such an activity. It was very crowded. This was the first time I didn't take xanex to deal with the masses of people. I think that's an improvement.

Thank you for a good day :)

mother's day...

I haven't wished my own mother a happy mother's day. My uncle called to remind me to do so, but I have all these feelings of neglect that I feel that I should reciprocate. Yes, that only makes me as bad as she was to me as a child. My own family has been very loving and affectionate to me.

I have decided to reply to an email that she had written to me for my birthday. Why not, she did the same?

I've just lowered myself to the same level as my own mother. So much pain and hurt that I can't seem to forget, nor forgive.

Keeping Up...

As I probably said somewhere in this blog that my rhuematologist gave me a whole list of things to do, including:

see the Cardiologist; see the obgyn; see the gasterinterologist(sp?).

I went to see the ob/gyn, had a pelvic ultrasound, outcome: unknown. Symptoms still persist, bleeding.

I went to the cardiologist, had an EKG, ran on a treadmill and almost passed out, had a heart ultrasounds, outcome: everything is ok - as in cardio(wise). Symptoms: chest pains.

I went to gasterinterologist, had an Eg-D (no idea?), outcome: dilated esophagus and put on Nexium. Biopsies were taken from the edema areas, redness and irritability noted and a ringed esophagus (?). Symptoms: inability to eat, nausea, digestion.

I did all of this in less than three weeks and suffered ilke a crazy woman yesterday because I didn't know I was given versed (amnesiac) so I guess I wouldn't remember the procedure. I wouldn't recommend going to work the next day, which is what I did. I must've been a real "air-head" coming into and out of consciousness.

My ongoing saga of bleeding, maybe my mensies, maybe something more? Who knows? I have a nurse practioner that I have never seen, just out of school, obviously doesn't have much patient/doctor relationship skills.

What I've Learned: You can be squeezed into a guinea pig, but unless you try all options, you will never really find the cause or cure for whatever you have, but I know that I can swallow now. Yay!! The gasterinterologist would have been the last person I wanted to see, but I couldn't deal any longer!!

sunday...

My weekends seem to past me by...it is Sunday night and tomorrow is a work day. In a blink of an eye, two days pass. I'd have to say it was quite beautiful in Colorado though. I got to stay home a little today, but I still felt tired because I had to wake up to find out that my husband would take care of my daughter today. I'm excited for her, she finally made a team, now I just have to figure out how to pay for it in a timely manner. I wish she would hang out with her ex-boyfriend. They were so good for each other. They have so much in common and they were good friends. Sometimes, her girlfriends have no idea what she goes through. Even her guy friends are more clueless, but for her ex, he is exactly in the same boat as her.

Why can't I just be normal? I guess that is what I'm set out to be. I try so hard. Maybe that's why? Because I try so hard to be normal?? Ugh, sometimes life is just so depressing.