As I travel in time, my friends come to mind. They have been with me through everything. Besides my husband and daughter coming along. My childhood friends are still there. I can't believe how long we have been friends and how the old jokes still flow. The overwhelming feeling of seeing so many people at one time and trying to remember these people was the hardest. I guess the only enemies I have now are co-workers. Who knew it would be so hard to work with certain people? Maybe I'm just hard to deal with? Nah, everyone always has a problem because I don't look sick that I can't be sick. Why I take so much time off? Why this and that? Who cares? Apparently, they do...when you think management would take care of such things...it doesn't happen.
I am supposed to go on a job interview this afternoon. I hate starting all over, but there is only so much I can take from this job. Maybe it is really time for me to apply for disability? I just can't imagine what it will do to our dual income right now. Plus, to be alone all day, everyday, would be another story. I would probably go insane or overwork myself. I tend to do that when I am at home. Although, if I had to take care of my grandma that would be great. I am doubtful this will happen, but if I could get approved for disability and move my grandma out here, I can spend a lot of time with her before she passes away. It is only a dream.
Monday
Family?
I flew out, last minute, on a whim to meet my other half...I never really knew my father's side of the family, nor did I really know him. I bring nothing with me and just hop on the plane. I call my friend to pick me up from the airport. The stress alone...almost did me in.
I met my grandmother, it is like a long lost memory, that I just plucked from a flower. She is very old now. My grandparents raised me for about 5 to 6 years, while my parents, who knows what they were doing, dumped me there and picked me up - as if I was dropped off at daycare, but 6 years later. The last time I saw my grandmother was about 15 years ago. The last time I spoke to her was about 21 years ago. I was an emotional wreck. I decided to stay with her, only for one night and day. It brought back emotions and memories that have been long stored away. Feeling like I found a piece of my heart. It was very emotional for two of us. The biggest problem we face now is the language barrier. I used to speak her language and she used to speak mine. Since we haven't talked to each other, we stopped speaking each other's language.
I've asked her to come and visit me and possibly let me care for her, at the end of her life. But realistically, how can I ask someone that I haven't seen in so many years to pick up and leave? The rest of her family and friends are where she lives. But they don't physically care for her. She lives alone in a small apartment, part of a senior center home [imagine "In her Shoes" with Cameron Diaz]. But she acts so strong, she can walk on her own and make her own food still. As we spent more time together, I find that no one massages her aching hands and feet. No one helps her groom her nails. I felt so overwhelmed by the need to take care of her, as she did me. Of course, I didn't even ask my husband, but I sent her a letter that I translated into her language asking her to come and visit [at least]. I miss her now that I have found her. I don't even know how to describe my feelings about it.
I find that my cousins, her grandchildren, don't spend any time with her, but see her maybe once or twice a year. They consume all of their time on becoming that successful doctor. One of her three daughters take on the responsibility for caring for her. I feel that she is somewhat lonely, but she spends a lot of time at the Senior Center.
When my mother's mom got old, we didn't put her in a home, one of my aunts took care of her at her home until she passed away two years ago. I guess it is part of our culture to take care of our elders. How much longer can they live? This is like when we were a baby, who cared for us? Our parents. As our parents get old, who will take care of them? I guess some of us think our children will and some of us just knows that in the end, we might just end up alone.
My grandfather passed away about 20 years ago. So my grandma does not have a companion. Who should care of her?
As I suffer from lupus, my husband and daughter are constantly caring for me. I can't imagine what hardships they both go through for me. But here I am, trying to care for another. I am not sure if I can do anything anymore. I haven't been able to make any decisions without "thinking" it out too much. The confusions as to what I want and may want. I have become a totally different person. I don't think that I could be as strong as my grandma.
I met my grandmother, it is like a long lost memory, that I just plucked from a flower. She is very old now. My grandparents raised me for about 5 to 6 years, while my parents, who knows what they were doing, dumped me there and picked me up - as if I was dropped off at daycare, but 6 years later. The last time I saw my grandmother was about 15 years ago. The last time I spoke to her was about 21 years ago. I was an emotional wreck. I decided to stay with her, only for one night and day. It brought back emotions and memories that have been long stored away. Feeling like I found a piece of my heart. It was very emotional for two of us. The biggest problem we face now is the language barrier. I used to speak her language and she used to speak mine. Since we haven't talked to each other, we stopped speaking each other's language.
I've asked her to come and visit me and possibly let me care for her, at the end of her life. But realistically, how can I ask someone that I haven't seen in so many years to pick up and leave? The rest of her family and friends are where she lives. But they don't physically care for her. She lives alone in a small apartment, part of a senior center home [imagine "In her Shoes" with Cameron Diaz]. But she acts so strong, she can walk on her own and make her own food still. As we spent more time together, I find that no one massages her aching hands and feet. No one helps her groom her nails. I felt so overwhelmed by the need to take care of her, as she did me. Of course, I didn't even ask my husband, but I sent her a letter that I translated into her language asking her to come and visit [at least]. I miss her now that I have found her. I don't even know how to describe my feelings about it.
I find that my cousins, her grandchildren, don't spend any time with her, but see her maybe once or twice a year. They consume all of their time on becoming that successful doctor. One of her three daughters take on the responsibility for caring for her. I feel that she is somewhat lonely, but she spends a lot of time at the Senior Center.
When my mother's mom got old, we didn't put her in a home, one of my aunts took care of her at her home until she passed away two years ago. I guess it is part of our culture to take care of our elders. How much longer can they live? This is like when we were a baby, who cared for us? Our parents. As our parents get old, who will take care of them? I guess some of us think our children will and some of us just knows that in the end, we might just end up alone.
My grandfather passed away about 20 years ago. So my grandma does not have a companion. Who should care of her?
As I suffer from lupus, my husband and daughter are constantly caring for me. I can't imagine what hardships they both go through for me. But here I am, trying to care for another. I am not sure if I can do anything anymore. I haven't been able to make any decisions without "thinking" it out too much. The confusions as to what I want and may want. I have become a totally different person. I don't think that I could be as strong as my grandma.
Sunday
boys...
I know that one day my daughter will have to deal with boys on her own. I finally owned up and really admitted that I liked her boyfriend. He was good for her, actually they were good for each other. Much in common. I realized that when I was her age, I was dating...rebelling...picking boys that I definitely would not want my daughter to be hanging out with. I always had a streak for the really bad boys. And I guess my innocent self always got the extremes. I know that she is very different than me, hopefully she won't make the same decisions I did. Sometimes I wish she would get back together with her ex-boyfriend and I wouldn't have to worry about her so much.
I guess I need to just deal with life. It isn't always what we expected.
I guess I need to just deal with life. It isn't always what we expected.
out and about...
Today, I was out and about. My daughter and I went out to meet up with her friends and their families. My daughter passed out. I'm tired, but I'm still up, trying to get un-tense. I did some walking, well maybe a lot of walking.
I just took benadryl and had lots and lots of salad. What if I am allergic to salad? It could be my salad dressing?? I don't understand why it is so hard for me just to eat?
Tomorrow is Boulder Boulder. Thousands of people from everywhere come to participate in such an activity. It was very crowded. This was the first time I didn't take xanex to deal with the masses of people. I think that's an improvement.
Thank you for a good day :)
I just took benadryl and had lots and lots of salad. What if I am allergic to salad? It could be my salad dressing?? I don't understand why it is so hard for me just to eat?
Tomorrow is Boulder Boulder. Thousands of people from everywhere come to participate in such an activity. It was very crowded. This was the first time I didn't take xanex to deal with the masses of people. I think that's an improvement.
Thank you for a good day :)
mother's day...
I haven't wished my own mother a happy mother's day. My uncle called to remind me to do so, but I have all these feelings of neglect that I feel that I should reciprocate. Yes, that only makes me as bad as she was to me as a child. My own family has been very loving and affectionate to me.
I have decided to reply to an email that she had written to me for my birthday. Why not, she did the same?
I've just lowered myself to the same level as my own mother. So much pain and hurt that I can't seem to forget, nor forgive.
I have decided to reply to an email that she had written to me for my birthday. Why not, she did the same?
I've just lowered myself to the same level as my own mother. So much pain and hurt that I can't seem to forget, nor forgive.
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