This is nothing new, depression comes with the territory of having lupus. I guess I have had it for a while now...being on a whole cabinet of medications, uppers/downers/happy pills, etc. Who knew there was a pill for almost everything? I don't want to dwell on being sad...but I have made my decision to slow down on my treatment. I have decided to cut back on dosages. I just can't handle any more BAD news right now. Everytime I go to the doctor, it's always bad news. I can tell my body is deteriorating...it's like that feeling in the baground that you know that is happening, but you just ignore it. The odors from when I urinate. Sometimes when I lay down my abdomen hurts. I am not sure if it is my kidney, but it is probably. The urine isn't foaming, but it smells pretty bad. I haven't said anything. I have cancelled all of my appointments with the exception of my cytoxan therapy on Friday, July 13. Am I going to make it worse? Maybe. But I think I am willing to take that risk. My life has been fulled with so much and maybe it is my destiny. I have always been known to be a stong person. I even thought of myself as being strong [does this sound like pride?] maybe. But I am just a regular person, trying to live liife in a body that hates me. I want to be normal, but I am not. Am I so special that life has to be so difficult? I suppose.
The man i loved [or maybe thought I loved] - I finally told him last year that all these years I had reserved feelings for him. I never let him know all these years because I guess I was too ashamed. Back in the day, I knew he was right, he would treat me well and we were like peas in a pod. I think it scared me. I ran the opposite direction. The direction of my husband now. My life with my husband has been tumultous. We have been through a roller coaster of emotions. From having a child in my teen years, getting married & having lupus.
We started wtih nothing, my family rejected the fact that I had a child out of wedlock. But we did ended up getting married. I learned to love him. Although, I don't know how much he loved me. The first year we were together it was good. The second year...well he left me, for another woman. Left me alone with an infant child to raise. I had no idea what i was going to do. He was having an affair with his friend's girlfriend. A girl that I be-friended because I felt sorry for her and kind of obliged my husband to help her. And this is how I got paid back? I was very angry. I was abadoned. Something that was very common in my life is abadonment. When times got hard, I got left behind.
Just like this disease...I feel like my doctors are a step behind what I need. My body is not responding to me, not responding to my medications. My body is trying to abandon me. Why? I ask myself that question all the time. I know that I will never get an answer, but it is something I always wonder about. Will life give me a chance? Will God give me relief?
I worry too much, which could be another factor in my crazy life. Some might say I worry about things that doesn't matter. Which I know [in my head] but in my heart...it is different.
I am so lonely. You might say, how can she be lonely?? She has a family, a full house, extended family, yet I am alone. No one understands what I go through, except for other Lupus sufferers. My family has no idea. I have written various letters, in depth, in length and in detail as I can be, but no one understands. Why? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I guess because I want more. I want relief. I want not to hurt anymore. I ask for that sleep that I desperately seek from God.