I wonder...

I wonder...
am I ever going to get disability?
am I ever going to get out of bed?
am I ever going to get out of being depressed?
am I ever going to stop meddling?
...life has been extra ordinary
I love my family;
I love the people I have met on the way;
I love the people that have inspired me;
I love life...I think?
possibilities....
will I ever change?
probably NOT.

My daughter made it! Not only did she make it, but she made the wind ensemble as well. It was a rough time for all of us, but I'm happy she made it. I am not sure about practice times - which seem to be very lengthy for a youth group. 4 hours in one day. She will be having a heavy work week, every week for at least 8 weeks. I am confident she will be fine.

As far as getting along...she now has a boyfriend. I have no idea how she plans to even deal with boy drama at this time, but she has already said yes. She needs to tell her dad about it (which she has been worried about from even before he asked). I guess this is all part of high school. I just know it has changed a bit since I was there, which wasn't long ago.

I guess I am hoping that the lessons I have learned & have taught her will show.

daughter's audition

Today, my daughter has an audition. She said she doesn't feel very lucky. I told her it wasn't luck - she has practiced long and hard and is very able and well prepared. The only problem is that she gets seriously nervous and forgets everything. I just told her to try her best and not to let it get to her. Hopefully she will do okay. She has practiced all summer long for this audition, even through her being sick, six days a week. I just told her hard work will pay off and she will be fine. Now, I am nervous for her. I'm trying to be relaxed about it. I told her that we would go plenty early so that we won't get lost and she could have ample time to warm up. Tryouts, auditions, etc. are we pushing are children? I don't really know. I know when she wants to do something, she is very strong willed. She crumbles under pressure. I just told her if she would play as she does at home or in lessons she will do fine. They are only taking two or possibly four and we are hoping she will be one of them. I have to take my daughter to the doctor tomorrow because the antibiotics didn't work. She has been on them for 14 days. She sounds like she is coughing out her lungs.

Recently, she finally found out the name of the boy in one of her classes - business foundations. At first, she told me that there were only five freshman, including her and the others were geeks. Now she talks to him via text message. What happened to actually speaking to a person face to face? I guess I am really old, ha!

I got my disability forms today to fill out. It has been very ___ what's the word? but I have been exhausted by filling out all the questions on how lupus has affected my life and what restrictions and activities I have given up. It seems very depressing when I had to list out and think about everything I had to give up. What has happened to my life? Do I even live a life? Apparently not from what I have listed.

Dog

Today is my doggy's birthday. I generally get him a special treat from a bakery in Boulder. But today I don't have any plans to drive into Boulder. I am not sure what we will do, but every year I take pictures of my "loved" mutt with his birthday dish. He has already opened his gifts. Who knows if dogs even love those things?? I got him a new doggie bowl, stuffed animal, & a kong kind of thing to wrestle with. He turns 8 today, which means 56 in doggie years. I hope he has many more years left...because I don't know where I would be without him. I never thought I would ever have a dog, but he is almost like my best friend. He is my companion for majority of the day when I am alone and sleeps with us at night. So in reality I am never alone. I may pester him or do silly things to him, but I guess that's how I show my love? Sometimes I wonder what do our dogs think of us? It was silly of me, but one time I did ask about a "dog whisperer" - and have heard strange things about it. They don't even need to see your dog or that it could just be done over the phone, etc. Like fortune telling at a festival.

I have physical therapy today in the pool. That's majority of my exercise so I try to keep up with it at least twice a week. Ideally, it should be three times a week.

Mommy Dearest...

There is so much that could be said about being a mom. I love being a mom. I never really quite understood why my mom ever became a mom. She is not maternal in any way and treats me in such a manner, which is pretty much appalling. It makes my insecurities that I have forgiven, come back to me as if it was yesterday. I feel very much abandoned by my mother. She never really took care of me, except financially. But money only goes so far. I can't even fathom the thought of actually saying the words..."I love you" to her because it isn't normal? I tell my daughter that I love her all the time. I am so interested in my daughter, so my daughter would wish that I would just give it a rest. I have seen some of her friends who wish their moms could just see them for once. Others get ignored, neglected, etc. Their moms are just busy bees and have their own life to live. Whereas my life is my daughter.

When I think about how my life was growing up, it makes my hands burn and my legs ache. I want to take the drugs to numb my brain so that I won't think about it anymore. I wish it would just all fade away. I think that sometimes the drugs are starting to wear off and I can't get away. What else is there left to do? Pray. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for help. Isn't that when we all look to Christ, especially in a time of need?