I haven't wished my own mother a happy mother's day. My uncle called to remind me to do so, but I have all these feelings of neglect that I feel that I should reciprocate. Yes, that only makes me as bad as she was to me as a child. My own family has been very loving and affectionate to me.
I have decided to reply to an email that she had written to me for my birthday. Why not, she did the same?
I've just lowered myself to the same level as my own mother. So much pain and hurt that I can't seem to forget, nor forgive.
Sunday
Thursday
Keeping Up...
As I probably said somewhere in this blog that my rhuematologist gave me a whole list of things to do, including:
see the Cardiologist; see the obgyn; see the gasterinterologist(sp?).
I went to see the ob/gyn, had a pelvic ultrasound, outcome: unknown. Symptoms still persist, bleeding.
I went to the cardiologist, had an EKG, ran on a treadmill and almost passed out, had a heart ultrasounds, outcome: everything is ok - as in cardio(wise). Symptoms: chest pains.
I went to gasterinterologist, had an Eg-D (no idea?), outcome: dilated esophagus and put on Nexium. Biopsies were taken from the edema areas, redness and irritability noted and a ringed esophagus (?). Symptoms: inability to eat, nausea, digestion.
I did all of this in less than three weeks and suffered ilke a crazy woman yesterday because I didn't know I was given versed (amnesiac) so I guess I wouldn't remember the procedure. I wouldn't recommend going to work the next day, which is what I did. I must've been a real "air-head" coming into and out of consciousness.
My ongoing saga of bleeding, maybe my mensies, maybe something more? Who knows? I have a nurse practioner that I have never seen, just out of school, obviously doesn't have much patient/doctor relationship skills.
What I've Learned: You can be squeezed into a guinea pig, but unless you try all options, you will never really find the cause or cure for whatever you have, but I know that I can swallow now. Yay!! The gasterinterologist would have been the last person I wanted to see, but I couldn't deal any longer!!
see the Cardiologist; see the obgyn; see the gasterinterologist(sp?).
I went to see the ob/gyn, had a pelvic ultrasound, outcome: unknown. Symptoms still persist, bleeding.
I went to the cardiologist, had an EKG, ran on a treadmill and almost passed out, had a heart ultrasounds, outcome: everything is ok - as in cardio(wise). Symptoms: chest pains.
I went to gasterinterologist, had an Eg-D (no idea?), outcome: dilated esophagus and put on Nexium. Biopsies were taken from the edema areas, redness and irritability noted and a ringed esophagus (?). Symptoms: inability to eat, nausea, digestion.
I did all of this in less than three weeks and suffered ilke a crazy woman yesterday because I didn't know I was given versed (amnesiac) so I guess I wouldn't remember the procedure. I wouldn't recommend going to work the next day, which is what I did. I must've been a real "air-head" coming into and out of consciousness.
My ongoing saga of bleeding, maybe my mensies, maybe something more? Who knows? I have a nurse practioner that I have never seen, just out of school, obviously doesn't have much patient/doctor relationship skills.
What I've Learned: You can be squeezed into a guinea pig, but unless you try all options, you will never really find the cause or cure for whatever you have, but I know that I can swallow now. Yay!! The gasterinterologist would have been the last person I wanted to see, but I couldn't deal any longer!!
Sunday
sunday...
My weekends seem to past me by...it is Sunday night and tomorrow is a work day. In a blink of an eye, two days pass. I'd have to say it was quite beautiful in Colorado though. I got to stay home a little today, but I still felt tired because I had to wake up to find out that my husband would take care of my daughter today. I'm excited for her, she finally made a team, now I just have to figure out how to pay for it in a timely manner. I wish she would hang out with her ex-boyfriend. They were so good for each other. They have so much in common and they were good friends. Sometimes, her girlfriends have no idea what she goes through. Even her guy friends are more clueless, but for her ex, he is exactly in the same boat as her.
Why can't I just be normal? I guess that is what I'm set out to be. I try so hard. Maybe that's why? Because I try so hard to be normal?? Ugh, sometimes life is just so depressing.
Why can't I just be normal? I guess that is what I'm set out to be. I try so hard. Maybe that's why? Because I try so hard to be normal?? Ugh, sometimes life is just so depressing.
Friday
yay, it's FRIDAY!
Second thoughts...it is FRIDAY, yay!! My weekend plans seem a bit overwhelming, but I am sure I will get through it like I usually do.
I haven't been doing much except for avoiding work. I am just not in the mood and I have made some minimal mistakes this morning, but I am not going to point it out unless someone else notices.
Everyone else has left early for the weekend. I am stuck here until five, argh. I should be happy :) Things seem to have been better at work even though I still think the new administrator cannot compare to our old one. She doesn't seem to be computer savy at all. What to do with another person that cannot operate the machines: ERROR, operator error!!
I have a bridal shower to go to, two of them in one! Well I am not sure if we will be going, but I have had the gifts for some time now. I need to put them together ina basket or something. I was going to do a box, but you know how that goes...it just keeps going.
I have been scrapbooking at night which doesn't seem to be that helpful. I haven't gotten that far in the book and I really want to be done. I have to add some personalization to it, but I don't want to sound too bad. Sometimes when I read over something I had written, I can't believe that I am missing words, etc.
Ok, it is 4 on a Friday afternoon. What can I start, that I will be able to finish today? Umm...nothing if you really ask me!!
I haven't been doing much except for avoiding work. I am just not in the mood and I have made some minimal mistakes this morning, but I am not going to point it out unless someone else notices.
Everyone else has left early for the weekend. I am stuck here until five, argh. I should be happy :) Things seem to have been better at work even though I still think the new administrator cannot compare to our old one. She doesn't seem to be computer savy at all. What to do with another person that cannot operate the machines: ERROR, operator error!!
I have a bridal shower to go to, two of them in one! Well I am not sure if we will be going, but I have had the gifts for some time now. I need to put them together ina basket or something. I was going to do a box, but you know how that goes...it just keeps going.
I have been scrapbooking at night which doesn't seem to be that helpful. I haven't gotten that far in the book and I really want to be done. I have to add some personalization to it, but I don't want to sound too bad. Sometimes when I read over something I had written, I can't believe that I am missing words, etc.
Ok, it is 4 on a Friday afternoon. What can I start, that I will be able to finish today? Umm...nothing if you really ask me!!
Thursday
my fishing expedition...
I'm not sure why I could even begin calling this, "my fishing expedition" since I'm not the one fishing. It seems that there is something inherently wrong with me, what's new? I have several appointments awaiting me. Yesterday, I had someone check out my uterus and take blood, again. Now I need an ultrasound. Argh... I started to fill out some paperwork for my other "new" doctors, but so much information is like digging through the ground with no end in sight. I just burrowed myself in there. I am like their lab experiment gone wrong. If they ever find anything, I'll be sure to post it. That's how much confidence I have in my doctors.
Ooh, I almost forgot, there has been some talk about my gallbladder. Well - I guess it might be SOL now.
Yesterday, one of the older ladies made a comment to me, "age first, then beauty" as I passed her. At first, I didn't really understand and continued on my way. Then later, I took it as I must be oogly or something. So today, I dressed a little more business like and put on makeup. Whew, it has been a long time. I generally don't wear makeup unless it is for a party or something and that is still questionable. I had the hardest time trying to figure out how to apply the damn thing that I put it on and said viola!
Today has been especially quiet. Oh no, I probably shouldn't say that because all hell will break loose now.
I'm not in the mood to work just about now. I'm very weird feeling. I keep waking up at around 2 or 3 in the morning, tossing and turning. Is it a sign?? Probably. I had a dream about work. The last time I had a dream about work, it was about time for me to move on.
Ooh, I almost forgot, there has been some talk about my gallbladder. Well - I guess it might be SOL now.
Yesterday, one of the older ladies made a comment to me, "age first, then beauty" as I passed her. At first, I didn't really understand and continued on my way. Then later, I took it as I must be oogly or something. So today, I dressed a little more business like and put on makeup. Whew, it has been a long time. I generally don't wear makeup unless it is for a party or something and that is still questionable. I had the hardest time trying to figure out how to apply the damn thing that I put it on and said viola!
Today has been especially quiet. Oh no, I probably shouldn't say that because all hell will break loose now.
I'm not in the mood to work just about now. I'm very weird feeling. I keep waking up at around 2 or 3 in the morning, tossing and turning. Is it a sign?? Probably. I had a dream about work. The last time I had a dream about work, it was about time for me to move on.
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